skrapnel

I took this picture of one of my best friends, Charley Evans, when we were 17. He was always so ethereal, and this photo captured, to me, his other worldly essence. He passed away on Sunday, and I feel like he finally returned home. My prayers to his wife, Andrea Klaas, and his son.

Life is so short and fleeting. Live every moment like it’s your last. Love your family and friends. Tell them you love them. Pursue peace, joy and true happiness with all your heart.

So very thankful to have met so many beautiful people in my life. Thank you all for the joy you bring me.

<3

My grandparents at my grandfather's birthday in June 2009.

Just got off the phone with my aunt. My grandfather is in the hospital again. He was up all night vomiting, so they rushed him to the ER. At the hospital, they put a tube in his throat, but he pulled it out. He’s telling family members that he’s going to die.

My grandparents raised me. My grandfather taught me about being a man. My grandmother taught me how to love. They’ve been together for more than 60 years. When my grandfather passes, it’s going to break my grandmother’s heart.

It’s been a rough 2 weeks. My stepfather went into the hospital a couple of weeks ago with a kidney problem. He’s going to be in a nursing home for 3 months on dialysis recovering. And while I wasn’t as close to him as I am to my grandfather, it still makes me reflect on mortality and death.

On top of that, all of my material objects have decided they want to break: My laptop randomly reboots whenever it feels like it; my still camera’s lens grinds when I turn it on; my phone’s screen and volume are broken–and it drops calls; one of my flip cameras has a broken, unusable screen; AND my soap dispenser is no longer pumping. Top that off with a week long stomach bug, and it’s hard to feel like I’m not drowning.

I’m trying hard to understand my emotions right now. I can’t let myself go numb, and I can’t escape into depression. I know I should feel this. I need to be in the moment, acknowledging what’s happening and understanding that it’s life.

People die. We all die. It’s written into the contract of life. Nothing lives forever. Things change. Things break. Nothing is permanent–especially flesh. It’s hard idea to swallow–and it sounds cold–but it’s the only truth in life.

photo by Loerex. The city is Cologne. <3

The seasons always change. Summer doesn’t last forever, and neither does the winter. We have to enjoy every moment during the summer: bask in the sunlight, complain about the heat, and fill our hearts with swimming and sunsets. But we always know that fall will come. And then winter. No matter how hard we try to hold on to summer, it still goes. So it must be with people and things.

People come into our lives. They share time with us. They touch us. They affect us. Sometimes they hurt us. Sometimes they love us. In the end, they all pass out of our lives. Impermanence is the only constant.

As much as I want to fight the death of my grandfather, my brother, my grandmother, my good friends, it’s futile. This life is a flash of lightning, a summer rainbow, a flower in bloom: beautiful, ephemeral, precious. We can’t be scared or sad. We can’t control the future. We can only enjoy our time now.

Cherish it, my friends. Love your life. Love your friends and family. Take note of every moment: the light, the dark, the smell, your feelings (good or bad), the sounds, the colors and tastes. At the same time, know it’s all fleeting.

All of this is easier said than done. Small steps. Remember: It’s a miracle each morning when we wake up and are still breathing.

Thank you all for the joy you bring me.

V + <3

Having problems sleeping.

This life is so precious. My heart could stop beating in my sleep tonight, and then it would all be over. That’s a lot to take in. I’m so happy with my life right now, that it’s scary.

Here are some of the questions running through my head:

• Have I told everyone I love that I loved them?
• Was I holding on to petty grievances that pushed me away from friends and family?
• Did I affect anyone’s life positively?
• Did I affect anyone’s life negatively?
• Did I waste my energy on material pursuits?

Then there are the less esoteric (and a lil silly) questions:

• Would my dream flicker out like turning off a TV, or would it guide me into the afterlife?
• Is there a warning, like an Outlook Alert, that tells me I have 5 minutes until I expire?
• Would they find me in my own pee and poo?
• Would my parents find my porn collection? Would it freak them out?
• Would the morticians see me naked?
• Would they put makeup on me for the funeral?
• Would people come?
• Would my social media friends know? What about all my friends overseas or in different cities?
• What would my final status update or Tweet be? Would someone tell those people?
• What would people say about me?
• Would people cry? (Thinking about my grandparents, parents, bros, cousins, aunts and uncles crying really breaks my heart. In fact, just thinking about them crying has me crying)
• How long would it take my body to decompose?
• Would worms and other creatures use my body as a buffet?
• Would the soil then help a tree grow? (I hope so!)

Life is so beautiful. We spend so much time worrying about money or our future, that it’s easy to lose track of how awesome things really are. We have to be in the moment. We also have to acknowledge the people in our lives who are special to us and share our time with them.  Likewise, when things are bad for us, we need to respect ourselves enough to make a change.

Yes, I’m pretty emotional right now. I don’t want to die. I’m so thankful for the opportunities I’ve been given and the people I’ve met throughout my lifetime. There are so many people in this world that I love. And if I die tonight, I wouldn’t get a chance to say good bye to any of them.

If I do die tonight: I love you all. You’ve been so good to me. Thank you so much.

(I’ll let you know in the morning!)