All week long, things just kept getting worse. My patio garden, aka my sanctuary, has been off-limits and strewn around my yard/house while the owners paint the deck. Insurance investigators played phone tag all week while I waited to dispute an inflated auto claim. And work days stretched into nights, leaving me worn out and fatigued.

At first, I tried to stay calm. Everything changes. Life is never constant. But by Thursday, my normally good-natured self turned bitter, and everyday interactions took on a different tone.

An unreturned “Good Morning” from a neighbor was definitely a sign that Austin was indeed turning into Dallas. No return smile from a stranger signaled the downfall of society. And did that coworker look away as I walked by because she hated my edits?

Feeling broken as I went to bed, I thought, “Why do I smile? Why do I strive for peace? Does anyone even notice?” And then I gave up. “Maybe I should just let the world descend into chaos and hate.”

When I woke up, I decided to wipe the slate clean. It was a fresh start, a new day with twenty-four brand new hours ahead of me. Anything was possible.

On the bike ride to work, the trees stretched to the sky, welcoming the morning sun. Wildflowers smiled bright colors as they perfumed the spring air. And with a clear head, I realized that it’s not up to us to decide what gets thrown our way.

That afternoon, I found out a friend had committed suicide.

Sorting through the full spectrum of emotion, I struggled to understand what happened. I hadn’t seen him in a week and a half. Had he left any clues to his depression on Facebook? Could I have prevented this?

The truth is, we never know what someone is going through. Outward appearances can be deceiving. And sometimes we get so caught up in our own lives, that we often forget that others might be going through the same thing.

Ultimately, smiles, good mornings, and waves are not about me. It’s selfish to expect or want anything in return. Instead, smiles transform you so you can remind folks of the joy and peace that surround us.

This quote from Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh sums it up:

To smile is not to only smile for yourself; the world will change because of your smile.

Here’s the full passage from Awakening of the Heart: Essential Buddhist Sutras and Commentaries:

“The world will change because of your smile”

After reading that, I went out and sat by my flowers. It all came together, and I made this note:

Rise like a lotus blossom…

Just like a flower bringing peace and joy, I will rise above the muck. With my smile-bloom, the universe shines through me.

And that is why I smile.

Photo of me by Annie Ray/ANNIERAY.NET

——————-

Resources

• Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life by Thich Nhat Hanh – This is a great, easy-to-understand book to help beginners understand how to integrate mindfulness in your life.
• Awakening of the Heart: Essential Buddhist Sutras and Commentaries by Thich Nhat Hahn – A nice collection of Buddhist sutras with commentary to help explain the sutras so you can apply them to your everyday life.

I’ve learned so much over the years. Things change. What we once thought was important becomes trivial. And no matter what your age, it does get better. I’m happy to report that, after struggling with depression for 15 years, my mom is happy again.

If you are struggling with depression and feel suicidal, please tell someone. If you don’t feel you can talk to anyone you know, please reach out to counselors. The world can’t lose any more light.

Young Austinites, it does get better: My personal struggles with suicide and sexuality.

Chris Lynn
October 20th, 2010

EDITOR’S NOTE: Today’s post deals with two rough topics: suicide and sexuality. If you’ve got a problem with either one of them, don’t read. And if this post offends you, eff off.

Today I’m wearing purple in remembrance of the recent suicides by gay teens affected by bullying. I’m also here to tell everyone of all ages, straight, gay, queer, that things get better. Suicide is not the answer. It does get better.

Me at SXSW 2010 in my favorite purple shirt and hoodie.

Suicide and sexuality are two things our society would like to sweep under the rug. Television and movies make us feel we have to look, act and be a certain way–but that image doesn’t always fit with the person we are inside. My entire life, I have been one of those people that doesn’t fit.

My first bout with depression was when I was 9. I remember sitting in my room wanting to kill myself. But being too young to know about knives, nooses or carbon monoxide, I thought I could smother myself with a blanket. Wrapping my head with my quilt, I sat on my bed and waited to run out of oxygen. Nothing happened.

Growing up, I was a little awkward. Not necessarily effeminate, I had a high-pitched voice. Although I love sports, out on the field I’d often get distracted by butterflies or flowers. Plus, I spent a lot of my free time drawing and painting.

I started getting called faggot in the 2nd grade. More than a few times guys spat on me at the water fountain or at recess. Thankfully, my grandfather taught me to laugh it off; my mom taught me a bunch of super dirty retorts–’bloody cunt scab’ being my favorite; and my spirituality taught me to turn the other cheek.

Me at a 7th Grade dance.

As I moved into my teens, the feelings of depression turned into anxiety and anger. It was hard to connect with other guys. And I was getting into a lot of fights.

Finally in 8th grade, I met someone with whom I immediately clicked. His name was Brian. And although neither one of us knew it at the time, he was gay.

Gay. To a young boy, the word is weak and anti-man. For some, it can also feel like a death penalty: Either you spend your life dressing in women’s clothes or you have AIDS. Oh yeah, and God hates gays. There’s no gray, only black and white.

The first person I came out to was my brother. I was 15. He was 11. We were camping. Early one morning I told him “Mikey, I think I love boys.” He said, “That’s cool.” It would be several years before I knew what any of that meant, but I somehow felt free.

In High School, I started going to raves every weekend. I met folks who were accepting of all types of people. My close friends were also supportive and full of love. But still I felt different: I wasn’t like my gay friends and I wasn’t like my straight friends. I’d get so angry with myself for not knowing who or what I was. The suicidal thoughts came back. The bullying started up again.

Me as a moody 17 year old

One day in the locker room after swim practice, I was cornered by two swimmers and another athlete. They shoved me against the lockers. One of them put his forearm against my throat while the other two held me against the wall. “Kiss me, faggot,” he said, inches from my lips.

Freaked out, I kneed him in the crotch and started screaming “GET OFF ME YOU FUCKING FAGGOT!” They let go of me, and I ran. When my Tongan friends caught wind of what happened, no bullies ever messed with me again.

College was better and worse. During my freshman year, I knew that I was not normal. At the same time, I was meeting new people. I didn’t want them to not like me, so I kept the curious side of my life secret. I experimented with guys and girls, and guess what: I still couldn’t figure a damn thing out.

Me as a Junior in HS getting ready to go to Prom.

Things weren’t so easy for my friends from High School. Brian, my first non-sexual “boyfriend,” put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger during a thunderstorm. Two other gay friends similarly took their lives after struggling to come to terms with their sexuality.

For months after Brian’s suicide, I would drive around Austin and scream at him until I’d go hoarse. He killed himself 11 years ago this month. He’s missed a lot of amazing experiences. He’d probably be living in New York now. He would have loved (and then hated) Lady Gaga.

Over the years, I’ve come to realize that I’m NOT gay. I’m a proud bisexual. I’ve learned that nothing about me is “normal.” My ideas, my outlook on life, my experiences are all my own. And I’m happy with that. My life is full of joy and happiness. The world has plenty suited businessmen and worker drones. A healthy world needs color and variety.

It took me a LONG time to understand that. For years I had suicidal thoughts. In San Francisco I worked at a firm that hated me. In not so many words, they told me I was dumb. They told me I’d misrepresented myself. And for a second, I believed them. Thankfully, I quit that job and followed it with an amazing firm that embraced my creativity and gave me the confidence I have today.

It DOES get better. There’s not one path. There’s not one type of person. You will move away from home. You will meet other people like you. You will have a life full of joy, happiness and love. You will walk in the light of the Lord.

If you are feeling suicidal, please get help. If you don’t have anyone close you can trust, please email me. I promise it will get better.

Me with my grandmother in September 2010.

Graphic by Michael McCrary (http://mmccrary.com)

Buzzfeed, the source of everything meme-worthy on the Internet, captured 40 pictures of the Tan Mom in this post. I guess they posted it so people could laugh at how brown and burnt she is. Stripped of all humanity, she becomes a character–until you get to picture 38:

Tannest Mom and Daughter (via Buzzfeed)

Looking at this pic, you see a little girl looking at her mom with such loving eyes and a happy mom looking at her daughter. And while the outside world looks at this lady as a circus freak, I don’t think it’s my place to judge her obsession with tanning or this family’s relationship.

I’m not denying that she’s dangerously tan, but instead of judging her, we should, in fact, be using this moment to look inward, noticing that we all have our own little things we do to control our outer appearance. Some people starve themselves. Some people spend money they don’t have so they can present a better image of themselves. This lady likes to tan.

We’re all sick.

That’s kind of why I’m starting to hate how the Internet uses people. It makes us all feel like we are better people because we aren’t like this person. Everyone has a laugh, and then we all feel normal. What it actually does is keeps us from focusing on our own problems.

It reminds me of this quote from the Bible:

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you’ll see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

-Matthew 7:5

Why don’t we judge the magazine editors, the TV producers, or the actors and models who continually force feed us an idea of what pretty or happy looks like? They’re the twisted mothers who make us feel like we can never live up to a certain standard. It’s time to evolve.

At first, you try to remember how you got there. Then you get up and call for help. No response. You scream and shout that you want out, but your voice bounces off the walls and echoes down the halls. You are completely alone.

Well, not entirely alone. At the end of the hallway is a guardsman standing in front of the door. His ever persistent gaze watches you, keeping you from acting out of line.

On his belt, you see the glint of a set of keys, the keys that will free you. You beg him to please let you out. You cry to him that you are innocent. The whole time, he’s silent, no words, just that steady gaze, reminding you that he’s in charge.

Day after day, you live in that cell. Food is delivered while you sleep. You never see anyone come or go. You pace around your cell. You feel helpless and alone.

You might try to escape–but there’s no way to get out. And with each failed attempt, your cell feels a little smaller. You start to hate the walls for keeping you trapped. You hate yourself for not being able to escape. But most of all, you hate the guard for not letting you out.

After a while, the hate turns to desperation. You are so sure that the guard is your only way out, you tell him you will do anything to release you. You make bold offers. But he continues to stare at you, no more or no less.

When the guard doesn’t succumb to your offers, you start to think that he wants you to behave a certain way. Maybe if he is convinced that you are a good person, he’ll release you. You change your behavior. You want to prove to him that you are worthy of freedom.

More time passes. You’ve started to accept your situation. It’s not so bad. The walls keep you safe. You’ve got food. And since you can’t remember what life was like before you entered the cell, you start to believe the guardsman is protecting you because you are special.

Yes! You are a king, and the cell isn’t a jail, it’s his majesty’s chambers. The guard is a royal guard. He can’t talk to you because he’s beneath you. That explains the lack of other people around you. That’s why food is delivered daily. Only a king would have servants and a guard!

But one day you have a dream. You’re in the middle of an endless field. The sun is shining. The sky is blue. In the distance is a beautiful mountain range. No limits. No walls.

When you wake up, you realize that despite all of your rationalizing delusions, you’re still trapped in jail. Remembering life before, you surge with anger. You attack the walls, punching and kicking as if your tiny blows could knock it all down. You run to the guard, screaming and shouting, you want to kill him so you can set yourself free. But the bars stop you. He just stands there, blank and unphased, holding the keys that could set you free.

Exhausted, you slink back into a dark corner. You feel completely hopeless, more trapped and alone than ever. You’ve tried everything, but nothing you do seems to lead to freedom.

What you don’t know is that this is an enchanted jail. The walls are just an illusion. The guard is just a mannequin. All the result of a spell you cast on yourself. You wanted it to protect you, but somehow it trapped you.

Once you understand this, the jail will vanish. The guard will lose his power. In their place, you’ll find a world of limitless freedom.

How is your life a prison?

[PHOTO CREDIT: Prison by : Dar. on flickr]

My grandmother and me.

When she was diagnosed with cancer in August of 2010, I began a quest to understand the nature of death…and life. One of the things I like about Buddhist philosophy is the idea that death is not an end; instead, it’s more of a transformation.

For Buddhists, this physical body is a constant river of change. As we go about our day, eat, and interact with our environment, our moods, emotions, ideas, and energy all change. Old cells break down. New cells form. Very simply put, we are constantly changing in a way that, moment-by-moment, makes us never the same person. Death is just a continuation of this transformation. And while the person may physically be gone, their presence is still very much with us.

This weekend marked the one-year anniversary of my grandmother’s passing. So on Friday night, just as I was last year, I decided to stay up with her–except this time, instead of my grandmother being sick and me crying, I wanted us to cook and share a meal. The Buddhist Ceremony for the Deceased helped me do that.

Ok, so the ceremony just covers the being together part. During the ceremony, you’re supposed to offer the deceased some food they liked when they were alive. Since my grandmother loved it when I cooked for her, I wanted to share that experience again. And I often feel her presence when I cook, especially when I’m sauteing onions and garlic, one of her favorite smells.

My grandmother loved my greens. She also liked spicy foods and sweet potatoes. So for the meal, I created a Winter Green Soup with kale, spinach, beet greens, sweet potatoes, lemon, and a hint of jalapeno. It was amazing. (Maybe I’ll post the recipe one day )

For the ceremony, according to Buddhist tradition, you put a picture of the deceased and the food at the family altar. My buddhas and saints are kinda tucked away on a shelf in my home office, so I brought a few of them to the kitchen table. For the photo of the deceased, I chose a picture I took of my grandparents while we were in Paris in 2001:

The ceremony takes about an hour. After honoring your ancestors and spiritual teachers, there are some discourses on the true nature of life and physical existence, followed by repentance for “unskillful” actions and a commitment to compassionate, mindful living. The ceremony concludes with thoughts of gratitude for the deceased. It also reminds us to look for the departed in everyday life.

Here’s a variation of one of the prayers from the ceremony (I actually recite this one every morning):

No Coming, No Going

This physical body is not me.
I’m not limited by this body.
I am life without limit.
I have never been born, and I have never died.

See the ocean and the sky filled with stars,
manifestations from my wondrous True Mind.

Since beginningless time, I’ve always been free.
Birth and death are merely doors through which we pass,
sacred thresholds on our journey.
Birth and death are a game of hide-and-seek.

So laugh with me and take my hand.
Let us say goodbye to meet again.

We meet today.
We meet tomorrow.
We meet at the source in every moment.
We meet each other in all forms of life.

After the ceremony, I sat down at the table and ate in silence, smiling with my grandmother. Overall, it was a beautiful experience that reaffirmed life while celebrating my grandmother’s memory. I went to bed feeling peaceful and liberated.

[More pictures of my grandmother here.]

——————-

Resources

• No Death, No Fear: Comforting Wisdom for Life by Thich Nhat Hanh – A book that really explains the Buddhist philosophy on dying, it teaches us that letting go of our fear of death can help us live in peace.
• Chanting from the Heart by Thich Nhat Hanh – This book is full of Buddhist Ceremonies and Discourses by the Monks and Nuns at Plum Village. Because there isn’t any supplemental discussion to help frame understanding, I recommend this one for more advanced practitioners of Buddhism.

That month Facebook, ever looking to push the privacy envelope, unleashed Beacon, a clunky first attempt to harvest user behavioral data. At the time, I knew a lot of Facebook folks and could see Mark Zuckerberg’s profile. So like any good blogger, I decided to snoop around and see if there was any indication that Zuckerberg was concerned about the lashing he was getting in the press. What I found: While users were revolting and the media was giving him a good lashing, he was in the midst of a heavy game of Jetpack, a Facebook game.

Well, I wrote about it. Later that day, Louise Story, a reporter at the New York Times, called me up and asked me for a comment. To my surprise, the a pretty large quote appeared the next day in a piece that discussed Facebook and Zuckerberg’s apology.

Not a bad early birthday present that year!

Apologetic, Facebook Changes Ad Program

By LOUISE STORY

Published: December 6, 2007

Mark Zuckerberg, founder and chief executive of the social networking site Facebook, apologized to the site’s users yesterday about the way it introduced a controversial new advertising feature last month.

Facebook also introduced a way for members to avoid the feature, known as Beacon, which tracks the actions of its members when they use other sites around the Internet.

Mr. Zuckerberg’s apology — in the form of a blog post on Facebook — followed weeks of criticism from members, privacy groups and advertisers.

“I’m not proud of the way we’ve handled this situation, and I know we can do better,” Mr. Zuckerberg wrote.

Facebook has also been meeting with advertising agencies in recent days and discussing their concerns about Beacon, according to one executive who was invited.

Facebook originally presented Beacon to the advertising community as an opt-in program that its members would choose to use. It planned to sell ads alongside the messages sent to people’s friends about their purchases and activities on other sites. Some advertisers like Coca-Cola have expressed surprise that Beacon then required users to take action if they did not want the messages sent out.

“This is a bit of an example of Facebook being, as we refer to it, ‘out over your skis.’ They got a little bit ahead of themselves,” said Elizabeth Ross, president of the digital advertising agency Tribal DDB West, a part of the Omnicom Group.

Ms. Ross said advertisers did not want Facebook to push its users into a system like Beacon against their will.

But that was what happened for a few weeks after Beacon was introduced Nov. 6. Facebook gave users two notices that it planned to broadcast their actions to their friends — one when they were on an external Web site making a purchase and the other when they came back to Facebook.

The notices were small at first, and when users ignored them, Facebook assumed the users had granted permission.

After more than 50,000 Facebook users signed a petition about Beacon that was initiated by the political group MoveOn.org Civic Action, Facebook changed its policy last Thursday so that users who ignored the warnings were considered to have said no. But a Facebook executive said then that the company would not offer users a universal opt-out for Beacon.

“We need to make sure we give them the ability to see what things can do for them,” Chamath Palihapitiya, vice president for product marketing and operations at Facebook, said in an interview last Thursday.

Although Facebook has made the changes that MoveOn.org and others requested, some users said they believed the company had not been forthcoming.

“I feel like my trust in Facebook has been violated,” said Christopher Lynn, 30, a Facebook user who also writes a blog on social media. “Facebook created this space that was a private space, where we share our experiences, and to share this data behind our backs is upsetting.”

Robert French, a communications professor at Auburn University in Alabama, has been lecturing about Beacon recently, and he said his students — nearly all Facebook users — were shocked to learn about Beacon.

Privacy groups are working on a complaint to federal regulators about Facebook’s advertising program. In addition to Beacon, the new program includes profile pages created by advertisers and ads sent to users based on what they write about in their profiles.

Jeff Chester, executive director of the Center for Digital Democracy, said Mr. Zuckerberg should have explained Facebook’s full advertising and data collection program to users.

“The user needs to decide how their information is going to be used, whether it’s going to be used for targeting at all, which advertisers have access to it and whether Facebook has the right to collect and analyze it,” he said. “Facebook is saying it is a safe place for you to share your innermost secrets; what’s not being told to users is that they are selling those secrets.”

Life is so short and fleeting. Live every moment like it’s your last. Love your family and friends. Tell them you love them. Pursue peace, joy and true happiness with all your heart.

So very thankful to have met so many beautiful people in my life. Thank you all for the joy you bring me.

<3

Jolts aren’t always bad things–and I’m learning a lot. But during this processing time, I need some guidance to help me do the things that are best to keep me at a day-to-day functional level. When times are tough, I turn to my personal instruction manual.

I wrote the first draft of my instruction manual in Berlin. Leaving the city I love to help my brother and deal with my own depression after I’d had everything stolen, I decided to make a list of accomplishments in Berlin, including things I’d learned about myself during while there.

The list ended up being 5 hand-written pages of insight. And instead of feeling like my time there had been full of failure, I felt like I’d actually accomplished something. I’d also discovered the basic needs to keep me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually happy.

A lot has changed in the 6 years since I drafted that list–but many of the elements still hold true. I’ll spare you the 5 pages and will instead share my most recent revision. Let’s call this the Reader’s Digest version of what makes me tick.

My Personal Instruction Manual

• Maintain a regular schedule.
• One hour before bed, switch off the computer and put on some calming music. This is my time.
• During that hour, straighten up the house: Put dirty clothes away, clean or rinse dirty dishes, etc.
• Drink a glass of water during that hour.
• After those tasks, start my series of yoga stretches, thinking about nothing but the movements, really reeling my body and become one with body and mind. Feel the spirit shine.
• Brush teeth, wash face, smile.
• Be thankful you survived another day.
• Once in bed, meditate on a glowing white light.
• Sleep 7 hours minimum.
• Wake up thankful: “Good morning, world. Thank you for letting me survive another night.”
• Eat breakfast, lunch and dinner (when hungry).
• Drink plenty of water throughout the day.
• Your best at morning exercise–but afternoon or evening exercise is good, too.
• Do intensive cardio like interval training or cycling when you are feeling anxious, stressed or panicky.
• Eat a good mix of food. My body is best suited for: more veggies; little to no sugar; no wheat; nice amount of healthy oils; relatively low carbs and an even amount of protein.
• Tell people thank you when it’s deserved.
• Tell people why what they are doing is good–and how it made you feel.
• Talk to good friends frequently.
• Spend time with people who make you feel good, accentuate your positive qualities and stimulate you.
• Disregard the negative people–laugh off their silliness.
• Always remember to ask: What can I do right now to improve my state of mind? What can I do right now to better my standard of living?
• Remember: Being alive is a beautiful gift.
• And don’t forget to say hello to the trees.

Yeah, so that’s my list. Some of the things are particular to my health issues (bad heart, celiac’s disease). Because I tend to slip into bad habits when I’m depressed, a lot of the items try to rewire those habits through behavioral reprogramming. Sometimes starting a few of these, it moves me in the right direction.

When was the last time you made a list of your accomplishments instead of looking at defeat?

When was the last time you listed your strengths instead of honing in on your weaknesses?

What do you do when times are tough?

Do you have a personal instruction manual?

My grandmother is on pain medicine and she’s doing chemotherapy. She has lung cancer. It’s been such an interesting experience for me since I found out in August.

It was weird. One Wednesday I had the urge to book tickets to see her for a weekend visit. I called her on Thursday to tell her I was gonna be there on Friday. On that call she told me she had just been diagnosed with lung cancer. It didn’t freak me out–it was like my spirit already knew.

When I went down there, we spent a lot of time just doing nothing. She lives in an assisted living apartment near a beach, so when I was driving to my aunt’s beach house at like 1.30 in the morning after hanging out with my grandmother, I pulled the car up on the beach all the way to the waves and I started crying.

That night, what I realized is that death is nothing to be scared of. It’s just the next phase. I started reading Buddhist texts about Death and Dying, and I’ve started to understand that there is no end and no beginning. It’s just transformation of form. My grandmother is starting to understand this, too.

My grandmother didn’t want to do chemotherapy. She wanted to just accept this as another stage of her life. She told me she has had 87 years of beauty and love–something most people don’t get to ever experience. She was happy just taking pain medicine until the end.

We do so much in life to try to run from death and aging–but it’s part of this existence. We can’t hold on to memories or people or things. Everything changes and transforms–but people we love and moments we love are always there, it’s just our perception of their form that has changed.

Anyway, later in the month, I’m bringing lots of good food and champagne to my grandmother, and she and I are going to have a party to celebrate the time we shared together on this beautifully twisted roller coaster ride called life.

Ever since I realized that life is just transformation of state, I’m not scared. I’m happy to understand that everything is interconnected and woven into the underlying fabric of the universe. You and I–all of us–are always changing state and are always a part of everything.

I’ve always been one to say I’m not scared of death. The last 18 years of Buddhist studies helped mold those ideas. And although I suffered a lot of loss early life, it was the underlying youthful fearlessness that propped up my lack of fear towards death. As I’ve gotten older, however, I’ve become more aware of the value of life, and the concept of death being an “end” started to form.

It’s that notion of an end that we are scared of. We run from it and pretend that death won’t happen to us–but it will: Like a slasher film, no one leaves this place alive.

The thing to know is that there is no beginning or end. There’s no coming or going. There’s just transformation. The right circumstances arise and we are blessed with a human manifestation. Like a wave, we have our own form, but its underlying essence of ocean or water is unchanged. When a wave crashes against a shore, it doesn’t end, it just transforms. It is always water.

I’ll explain the esoteric stuff in a later post. This is just an update. Most of my personal writing lately is happening in a hand-written journal. I’m thinking about scanning the entries and posting those raw. Maybe I’ll transcribe them. In any case, I hope to have that up before the New Year

<3 + V + \m/

ca

Took this photo at 1.30 in the morning the weekend we found out. Both of us are smiling.

Watch the video (courtesy of KTBC-Fox):