My grandmother is on pain medicine and she’s doing chemotherapy. She has lung cancer. It’s been such an interesting experience for me since I found out in August.

It was weird. One Wednesday I had the urge to book tickets to see her for a weekend visit. I called her on Thursday to tell her I was gonna be there on Friday. On that call she told me she had just been diagnosed with lung cancer. It didn’t freak me out–it was like my spirit already knew.

When I went down there, we spent a lot of time just doing nothing. She lives in an assisted living apartment near a beach, so when I was driving to my aunt’s beach house at like 1.30 in the morning after hanging out with my grandmother, I pulled the car up on the beach all the way to the waves and I started crying.

That night, what I realized is that death is nothing to be scared of. It’s just the next phase. I started reading Buddhist texts about Death and Dying, and I’ve started to understand that there is no end and no beginning. It’s just transformation of form. My grandmother is starting to understand this, too.

My grandmother didn’t want to do chemotherapy. She wanted to just accept this as another stage of her life. She told me she has had 87 years of beauty and love–something most people don’t get to ever experience. She was happy just taking pain medicine until the end.

We do so much in life to try to run from death and aging–but it’s part of this existence. We can’t hold on to memories or people or things. Everything changes and transforms–but people we love and moments we love are always there, it’s just our perception of their form that has changed.

Anyway, later in the month, I’m bringing lots of good food and champagne to my grandmother, and she and I are going to have a party to celebrate the time we shared together on this beautifully twisted roller coaster ride called life.

Ever since I realized that life is just transformation of state, I’m not scared. I’m happy to understand that everything is interconnected and woven into the underlying fabric of the universe. You and I–all of us–are always changing state and are always a part of everything.

I’ve always been one to say I’m not scared of death. The last 18 years of Buddhist studies helped mold those ideas. And although I suffered a lot of loss early life, it was the underlying youthful fearlessness that propped up my lack of fear towards death. As I’ve gotten older, however, I’ve become more aware of the value of life, and the concept of death being an “end” started to form.

It’s that notion of an end that we are scared of. We run from it and pretend that death won’t happen to us–but it will: Like a slasher film, no one leaves this place alive.

The thing to know is that there is no beginning or end. There’s no coming or going. There’s just transformation. The right circumstances arise and we are blessed with a human manifestation. Like a wave, we have our own form, but its underlying essence of ocean or water is unchanged. When a wave crashes against a shore, it doesn’t end, it just transforms. It is always water.

I’ll explain the esoteric stuff in a later post. This is just an update. Most of my personal writing lately is happening in a hand-written journal. I’m thinking about scanning the entries and posting those raw. Maybe I’ll transcribe them. In any case, I hope to have that up before the New Year

<3 + V + \m/

ca

Took this photo at 1.30 in the morning the weekend we found out. Both of us are smiling.

The sponge phase involves filling your head with as much information as possible until you reach the point of sensory overload.  For all of you athletes, it’s kind of like when you are loading up on carbs before a marathon. In the case of idea generation, you are loading up on information, images, writing styles and experiences that will help push you through the story writing process.

When you’re training for sports, you don’t want to fill you body with junk. Same goes for the creative process. Here are some of the things I do during my media diet:

• Limit Facebook and other social media use.
  • I’m already filling my head with tons of things–and I dont really need to be exposed to all the extra stuff facebook pushes out. Plus, it’s a huge time suck.
• Limit my personal interaction to people that are positive influences.
  • The creative process is like giving birth, and you don’t want your baby to be exposed to negative things. Some people also can be a drain, stressing me out or weighing me down.
• Limit movies, novels or short stories to things that I’ve already read, focusing on those works that resonate with the story I want to tell.
  • It comes down to too much stimulation. It also helps put you in the right state of mind or mood to match your story.
  • If you’ve already read/seen the work, you know what to expect. I don’t like outside influences affecting my writing in unexpected ways <—This goes for all of the above.

The last novel was very dark and semi-autobiographical. It was also kind of avante garde. This new series of short stories (or maybe a novel) goes back to being true fiction based on several ideas I’ve had over the last few years during my travels.

As most of my faithful readers know, I had 4 years of journals and photos stolen while I was living in Berlin. I can’t look at pictures, drawings or writings from those times. All I have are memories:

• Iceland: wall of snow advancing across a sunny field from purple mountains; fairy villages in a tree stump and stones; glaciers
• Camping in a cabin in a valley outside of Heidelberg with Jasmine. Hiking to the city through the forest in the morning and then back to the cabin at night. Trees had eyes. Spawning white bugs swarming us. Castles, fountains, fairies, flowers.
• Watching shooting stars from high atop a mountain in North Carolina
• Dancing naked in a summer storm

As much as I’d like to go back to those places and immerse myself, I can’t right now. Thankfully, the memories help recall parts of stories that I wrote at the time.

Here are some snapshots of what I’m filling my head with I’ve also been watching different movie versions of Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream and Alice in Wonderland (not the new one). Can you guess what I’m writing about?

In an age in which it’s easy to peer through the anonymous and lifeless window of the computer monitor, we need journalism to wake us up from information overload. By connecting us with victims of war or natural disaster, or simply with members of our own community, journalists take the world and break it down into digestible pieces of people and places, emotions and events. They help us remember what’s important: We are all connected by our own humanity. As the world becomes increasingly more global, we need that reminder now more than ever.

Wish me luck!  This is part of pursuing my goals more courageously. If I win, it’d be a huge opportunity. If I don’t, I’m proud of myself for putting it out there. A younger Chris would have rationalized all the reasons NOT to submit, or would have just let the opportunity pass me by.

• Continue growing Republic of Austin:
  • Add staff and hone our focus to meet our reader community’s needs.
  • Continue finding new ways to connect with our reader community.
  • Throw 3 events that connect with three different segments of our reader community.
• Get better at webdesign, with a particular focus on WordPress and CSS.
  • Complete a course.
  • Build one site.
• Get better at Final Cut
  • Complete a course.
• Launch Molotov Mocktail, the next experiential site focused on Self Sufficient Living, by March 2010.
• Learn to identify more edible plants for urban foraging.
• Record two songs. They can be silly.
• Have a DJ residency by February 2009, at least once a month.
• Spend more time with the people I love. Increase communication via phone or email with those who don’t live in my same city.
• Meditate once or twice a day.
• Get back into the gym to build muscles, 3 times a week. Continue biking for fitness everyday.
• Cook at least 4 dinners a week.
• Make lunch 4 days a week.
• Yoga 3 times a week.
• Try to take 3 trips outside of Texas by the end of the year.
• Write 3 short stories by the end of the year.
• Get me or my business in one national publication.
• Learn how to make soap and cleaning products.

In 2010 I resolve to become more self sufficient, producing more of the goods I consume and using less. (from last year)

In 2010 I resolve to balance my work and personal life by creating a definite boundary.

In 2010 I resolve to focus on goals that get me closer to my dreams and pursue them courageously.

In 2010 I resolve to be more open about expressing my love to those who deserve it.

Plus two carry-overs from last year’s resolutions:

In 2010 I resolve to worry less about the things I can’t control.

In 2010 I resolve to devote more energy to projects that help society.

Ok, so I made 5 resolutions for 2009.

In 2009 I resolve to worry less about the things I can’t control.

In 2009 I resolve to devote more energy to projects that help society.

In 2009 I resolve to spend more time with family.

In 2009 I resolve to become more self sufficient, producing more of the goods I consume and using less.

In 2009 I resolve to be more courageous when pursuing my dreams.

How did I do?

In 2009 I resolve to worry less about the things I can’t control.

Well, I can say that I still worry. Do I worry less? Maybe. I think I worry about different things. This may need to be a resolution for 2010.

In 2009 I resolve to devote more energy to projects that help society.

This one was def met! The whole focus for Republic of Austin is on connecting people in Austin. Molotov Mocktail, the next site, takes what we’ve learned and are learning with Republic of Austin and brings it to a national level to focus on self sufficient and sustainable living.

In 2009 I resolve to spend more time with family.

Before I moved from SF, I spent more time with my older brother and his wife. Miss them so much. My younger brother and his wife moved from Austin to Chicago, BUT my cousin Ben moved to Austin! It’s been great hanging out with him, and I look forward to spending more time with him! Now if only my other cousins and my older brother would move to Austin!

In 2009 I resolve to become more self sufficient, producing more of the goods I consume and using less.

I think I may have failed this one. In SF I was really good about composting, recycling and cutting consumption. In Austin, my housemates haven’t been very supportive of those things–and it makes a huge difference. Gonna need to make this a resolution in 2010, fer shure. But Molotov Mocktail should help that!

In 2009 I resolve to be more courageous when pursuing my dreams.

If there was one resolution that sums up my 2009 experience, it’s this one. I left the comfort of San Francisco to move to Texas and work on building a media company. It’s been an amazing experience. 2010 is definitely going to be amazing. I can feel it.

Chris chats it up with the Squirrel Lady of Town Lake

The Reverend Julie Gallagher, aka the Squirrel Lady of Town Lake, was one of the most interesting people we’ve encountered on South Congress. Her art, fun photos of squirrels, promotes peace. We couldn’t include all of our interview in August’s First Thursday video, so I’ve posted the full, unedited version here.

In  the video, she explains the peace banner, talks a little about Mayan cosmology, and tells us about her favorite squirrel (a refugee from Hurricane Katrina).

Check it out!

Heard this song a few nights ago and started crying.  It’s about taking small steps until you finally get to the moon.  The instruments (a cello, some horns), his voice and the lyrics are so powerful.  By the time the song was over, I was sobbing.

When I got home, I looked him up.  Found out the song is from the 80s. He wrote it after he discovered he was HIV positive.  You know I’m a big softie, so of course I started crying again.

There is something sad yet inspirational about the song.  It’s haunting.  I downloaded more music from his discography and it’s set me on this creative, insomniac spin.

It also made me realize that true art–that is, art that is an authentic and real expression of the human condition–can affect, influence and inspire people.  It’s a reminder that you don’t have to follow the rules to have an impact; no matter how avant garde or unknown you are, if you are real, you’ll always connect with someone.

And here’s the song, again:

Fears and complexes can lead to problems like difficulties in relationships (with family, friends or partners); an inability to allow ourselves to achieve or feel success; and even manifest into some health problems.  Our quick-fix society thinks we can take a pill to solve everything, but medicine alone can’t cure the source of the suffering.  For that, I feel that psychoanalysis, meditation, etc., are the only real ways to grow into healthy human beings.

"Reconciliation" by Josefina de Vasconcellos at Coventary Cathedral

Part of the process, for me, is writing. Words are powerful: They change our perceptions and therefore also modify our thinking and habits.  By writing, we can get our thoughts out, manifest them into the world, and settle our minds.

Tonight I couldn’t sleep well.  Instead of the usual drift-into-sleep meditation I normally do in this situation, I ended up continuing deep-meditation exercises I’d been working on earlier in the day.  After I’d gotten into a certain state, I started writing out and acknowledging some of my fear-based actions.  Then I followed the threads of those fears backwards until I’d discovered their source.

One part of the breakthrough involved my relationship with my mother.  The message, below, was typed out in a text message on my cell phone.  It was spontaneous and somewhat subconscious, and the emotional release was so strong that I was crying while writing it.  Thanks to the new copy/paste feature on the iPhone, I’m able to share it with you guys as is.

Mom: I love u so much. I acknowledge that in the past your actions hurt me. I also acknowlede that u r human, and like the rest of us, aren’t perfect. With all my heart, I forgive you and allow you to be imperfect. I allow anything that happened in the past to happen. By so doing, I let go of any pain and suffering it has caused me. I do this to heal myself and allow you to heal. I love u so much, mom. Thank you for bringing me into this world. Love, chris.

I’m so thankful for this epiphany.  I hope it really does help us both heal. I KNOW it will help us both heal.

Will I be able to write the same sort of message to the person whose abuse has affected me the most?  He has blocked it from his memory.  Maybe doing the exercise without contacting him is sufficient to start my side of the healing process.  I know the Lord will help me find the answer.

The idea for the project was spawned by a nightmare I had in Berlin 4 years ago, so it’s taken awhile to manifest into a novel.

The whole experience was a learning process.  With each chapter, I watched my voice mature.  I learned how to notice my signs of procrastination and how to resist them.  During editing, I learned how to remove myself and slice, dice and polish without taking it personal.

Anyway, today it feels like there’s a weight lifted off my shoulders. I’m ready to start the next venture!

Thanks to my friends and family for the support!