skrapnel

You wake up on a cold, stone floor. It’s a jail cell. 3 sides are solid walls. The fourth wall is a locked, cage-like door. High on one wall is a barred window. It’s night outside.

At first, you try to remember how you got there. Then you get up and call for help. No response. You scream and shout that you want out, but your voice bounces off the walls and echoes down the halls. You are completely alone.

Well, not entirely alone. At the end of the hallway is a guardsman standing in front of the door. His ever persistent gaze watches you, keeping you from acting out of line.

On his belt, you see the glint of a set of keys, the keys that will free you. You beg him to please let you out. You cry to him that you are innocent. The whole time, he’s silent, no words, just that steady gaze, reminding you that he’s in charge.

Day after day, you live in that cell. Food is delivered while you sleep. You never see anyone come or go. You pace around your cell. You feel helpless and alone.

You might try to escape–but there’s no way to get out. And with each failed attempt, your cell feels a little smaller. You start to hate the walls for keeping you trapped. You hate yourself for not being able to escape. But most of all, you hate the guard for not letting you out.

After a while, the hate turns to desperation. You are so sure that the guard is your only way out, you tell him you will do anything to release you. You make bold offers. But he continues to stare at you, no more or no less.

When the guard doesn’t succumb to your offers, you start to think that he wants you to behave a certain way. Maybe if he is convinced that you are a good person, he’ll release you. You change your behavior. You want to prove to him that you are worthy of freedom.

More time passes. You’ve started to accept your situation. It’s not so bad. The walls keep you safe. You’ve got food. And since you can’t remember what life was like before you entered the cell, you start to believe the guardsman is protecting you because you are special.

Yes! You are a king, and the cell isn’t a jail, it’s his majesty’s chambers. The guard is a royal guard. He can’t talk to you because he’s beneath you. That explains the lack of other people around you. That’s why food is delivered daily. Only a king would have servants and a guard!

But one day you have a dream. You’re in the middle of an endless field. The sun is shining. The sky is blue. In the distance is a beautiful mountain range. No limits. No walls.

When you wake up, you realize that despite all of your rationalizing delusions, you’re still trapped in jail. Remembering life before, you surge with anger. You attack the walls, punching and kicking as if your tiny blows could knock it all down. You run to the guard, screaming and shouting, you want to kill him so you can set yourself free. But the bars stop you. He just stands there, blank and unphased, holding the keys that could set you free.

Exhausted, you slink back into a dark corner. You feel completely hopeless, more trapped and alone than ever. You’ve tried everything, but nothing you do seems to lead to freedom.

What you don’t know is that this is an enchanted jail. The walls are just an illusion. The guard is just a mannequin. All the result of a spell you cast on yourself. You wanted it to protect you, but somehow it trapped you.

Once you understand this, the jail will vanish. The guard will lose his power. In their place, you’ll find a world of limitless freedom.

How is your life a prison?

[PHOTO CREDIT: Prison by : Dar. on flickr]

Over the last year, I’ve been slowly processing my grandmother’s passing. There are times when her spiritual presence is very strongly with me. And other times, like when I want to call her and tell her about my day but then I remember she’s gone, when I’m painfully aware of her physical absence. With each day, it gets easier.

My grandmother and me.

When she was diagnosed with cancer in August of 2010, I began a quest to understand the nature of death…and life. One of the things I like about Buddhist philosophy is the idea that death is not an end; instead, it’s more of a transformation.

For Buddhists, this physical body is a constant river of change. As we go about our day, eat, and interact with our environment, our moods, emotions, ideas, and energy all change. Old cells break down. New cells form. Very simply put, we are constantly changing in a way that, moment-by-moment, makes us never the same person. Death is just a continuation of this transformation. And while the person may physically be gone, their presence is still very much with us.

This weekend marked the one-year anniversary of my grandmother’s passing. So on Friday night, just as I was last year, I decided to stay up with her–except this time, instead of my grandmother being sick and me crying, I wanted us to cook and share a meal. The Buddhist Ceremony for the Deceased helped me do that.

Ok, so the ceremony just covers the being together part. During the ceremony, you’re supposed to offer the deceased some food they liked when they were alive. Since my grandmother loved it when I cooked for her, I wanted to share that experience again. And I often feel her presence when I cook, especially when I’m sauteing onions and garlic, one of her favorite smells.

My grandmother loved my greens. She also liked spicy foods and sweet potatoes. So for the meal, I created a Winter Green Soup with kale, spinach, beet greens, sweet potatoes, lemon, and a hint of jalapeno. It was amazing. (Maybe I’ll post the recipe one day )

For the ceremony, according to Buddhist tradition, you put a picture of the deceased and the food at the family altar. My buddhas and saints are kinda tucked away on a shelf in my home office, so I brought a few of them to the kitchen table. For the photo of the deceased, I chose a picture I took of my grandparents while we were in Paris in 2001:

The ceremony takes about an hour. After honoring your ancestors and spiritual teachers, there are some discourses on the true nature of life and physical existence, followed by repentance for “unskillful” actions and a commitment to compassionate, mindful living. The ceremony concludes with thoughts of gratitude for the deceased. It also reminds us to look for the departed in everyday life.

Here’s a variation of one of the prayers from the ceremony (I actually recite this one every morning):

No Coming, No Going

This physical body is not me.
I’m not limited by this body.
I am life without limit.
I have never been born, and I have never died.

See the ocean and the sky filled with stars,
manifestations from my wondrous True Mind.

Since beginningless time, I’ve always been free.
Birth and death are merely doors through which we pass,
sacred thresholds on our journey.
Birth and death are a game of hide-and-seek.

So laugh with me and take my hand.
Let us say goodbye to meet again.

We meet today.
We meet tomorrow.
We meet at the source in every moment.
We meet each other in all forms of life.

After the ceremony, I sat down at the table and ate in silence, smiling with my grandmother. Overall, it was a beautiful experience that reaffirmed life while celebrating my grandmother’s memory. I went to bed feeling peaceful and liberated.

[More pictures of my grandmother here.]

——————-

Resources

• No Death, No Fear: Comforting Wisdom for Life by Thich Nhat Hanh – A book that really explains the Buddhist philosophy on dying, it teaches us that letting go of our fear of death can help us live in peace.
• Chanting from the Heart by Thich Nhat Hanh – This book is full of Buddhist Ceremonies and Discourses by the Monks and Nuns at Plum Village. Because there isn’t any supplemental discussion to help frame understanding, I recommend this one for more advanced practitioners of Buddhism.

My grandparents at my grandfather's birthday in June 2009.

Just got off the phone with my aunt. My grandfather is in the hospital again. He was up all night vomiting, so they rushed him to the ER. At the hospital, they put a tube in his throat, but he pulled it out. He’s telling family members that he’s going to die.

My grandparents raised me. My grandfather taught me about being a man. My grandmother taught me how to love. They’ve been together for more than 60 years. When my grandfather passes, it’s going to break my grandmother’s heart.

It’s been a rough 2 weeks. My stepfather went into the hospital a couple of weeks ago with a kidney problem. He’s going to be in a nursing home for 3 months on dialysis recovering. And while I wasn’t as close to him as I am to my grandfather, it still makes me reflect on mortality and death.

On top of that, all of my material objects have decided they want to break: My laptop randomly reboots whenever it feels like it; my still camera’s lens grinds when I turn it on; my phone’s screen and volume are broken–and it drops calls; one of my flip cameras has a broken, unusable screen; AND my soap dispenser is no longer pumping. Top that off with a week long stomach bug, and it’s hard to feel like I’m not drowning.

I’m trying hard to understand my emotions right now. I can’t let myself go numb, and I can’t escape into depression. I know I should feel this. I need to be in the moment, acknowledging what’s happening and understanding that it’s life.

People die. We all die. It’s written into the contract of life. Nothing lives forever. Things change. Things break. Nothing is permanent–especially flesh. It’s hard idea to swallow–and it sounds cold–but it’s the only truth in life.

photo by Loerex. The city is Cologne. <3

The seasons always change. Summer doesn’t last forever, and neither does the winter. We have to enjoy every moment during the summer: bask in the sunlight, complain about the heat, and fill our hearts with swimming and sunsets. But we always know that fall will come. And then winter. No matter how hard we try to hold on to summer, it still goes. So it must be with people and things.

People come into our lives. They share time with us. They touch us. They affect us. Sometimes they hurt us. Sometimes they love us. In the end, they all pass out of our lives. Impermanence is the only constant.

As much as I want to fight the death of my grandfather, my brother, my grandmother, my good friends, it’s futile. This life is a flash of lightning, a summer rainbow, a flower in bloom: beautiful, ephemeral, precious. We can’t be scared or sad. We can’t control the future. We can only enjoy our time now.

Cherish it, my friends. Love your life. Love your friends and family. Take note of every moment: the light, the dark, the smell, your feelings (good or bad), the sounds, the colors and tastes. At the same time, know it’s all fleeting.

All of this is easier said than done. Small steps. Remember: It’s a miracle each morning when we wake up and are still breathing.

Thank you all for the joy you bring me.

V + <3

Having problems sleeping.

This life is so precious. My heart could stop beating in my sleep tonight, and then it would all be over. That’s a lot to take in. I’m so happy with my life right now, that it’s scary.

Here are some of the questions running through my head:

• Have I told everyone I love that I loved them?
• Was I holding on to petty grievances that pushed me away from friends and family?
• Did I affect anyone’s life positively?
• Did I affect anyone’s life negatively?
• Did I waste my energy on material pursuits?

Then there are the less esoteric (and a lil silly) questions:

• Would my dream flicker out like turning off a TV, or would it guide me into the afterlife?
• Is there a warning, like an Outlook Alert, that tells me I have 5 minutes until I expire?
• Would they find me in my own pee and poo?
• Would my parents find my porn collection? Would it freak them out?
• Would the morticians see me naked?
• Would they put makeup on me for the funeral?
• Would people come?
• Would my social media friends know? What about all my friends overseas or in different cities?
• What would my final status update or Tweet be? Would someone tell those people?
• What would people say about me?
• Would people cry? (Thinking about my grandparents, parents, bros, cousins, aunts and uncles crying really breaks my heart. In fact, just thinking about them crying has me crying)
• How long would it take my body to decompose?
• Would worms and other creatures use my body as a buffet?
• Would the soil then help a tree grow? (I hope so!)

Life is so beautiful. We spend so much time worrying about money or our future, that it’s easy to lose track of how awesome things really are. We have to be in the moment. We also have to acknowledge the people in our lives who are special to us and share our time with them.  Likewise, when things are bad for us, we need to respect ourselves enough to make a change.

Yes, I’m pretty emotional right now. I don’t want to die. I’m so thankful for the opportunities I’ve been given and the people I’ve met throughout my lifetime. There are so many people in this world that I love. And if I die tonight, I wouldn’t get a chance to say good bye to any of them.

If I do die tonight: I love you all. You’ve been so good to me. Thank you so much.

(I’ll let you know in the morning!)

WARNING: This post has quite a lot of rambling.

Today I went to the HOPE Farmers Market on the East Side with my spiritual brother N, his girlfriend C and his daughter M. It’s was 68 degrees, sunny and clear, the perfect day to spend time with loved ones.  After we’d mulled around the market, C wanted to check out Nature’s Treasure, a gemstone-type store.  We were all game, so we crossed the street and entered the warehouse in which the store was housed.

Couple things to know before we continue with the story.

First off: When I was young, I LOVED stones and minerals. In fact, in college I almost switched to Geology because I loved stones so much.  There were a couple of stones I was really attracted to, mainly quartz, garnet, hematite and halite. When I worked at a craft store, I used to love to make necklaces from pieces of stones.  One that I wore all the time was made from hematite and garnet. The manager of the store, an older woman named Flo, would tell me to be careful with garnet because it can inflame passion and lust.

Second: After years of denying my spirituality, I’ve started meditation and chakra work again. What I’m discovering is that my upper chakras are open and healthy (although admittedly sometimes they might be too open), and my lower chakras are progressively more blocked.  The root chakra needs a lot of work.

For those not familiar with chakras, they are energy centers that run up and down the center of our body.  The first chakra, the root chakra, is closer to the earth and helps ground us. The crown chakra at the top of the head is closer to heaven and is connected to spirituality. Blocked chakras cause problems that can affect both physical and psychological health.

So we walk into the shop, and I was instantly attracted to an oblong, polished piece of garnet. I picked it up and said, “I have always been really attracted to garnet.”  The lady behind the counter said, “It helps clear problems with the root chakra.”

Since this is the major area of concern at the moment, I was kinda joyfully surprised.

“That’s funny. I’ve recently discovered I have a blockage there.”

She took me back to the garnet section and told me to find a type and piece that called to me. After picking up and looking at several stones, I picked up an unpolished, raw chunk, and my fingers kinda locked. Holding it in my hand, I felt a little dizzy and my face started to feel flush.

While this was happening, N, C and M were also exploring. They’d found a small room in the center of the full of lamps inside giant pieces of quartz and other white or pink stones. When I passed by the room, they called me in.

Stepping into the room, it was almost like I felt a burst of energy coming out the back of my head. My fingers were tingling.

“Do you feel that?” K said. I think I shook my head yes. I can’t really remember what she and N did next, but they mentioned something about being able to pass energy from one to the other. They mostly felt it in their hands.  After feeling this insane sensation for a few minutes, I headed back to the front counter.

When I told the lady about my face feeling flushed, she said it was the uninterrupted energy flowing through my body. I also mentioned the feeling of energy shooting from my head and hands inside the lamp room.  She said it was the intended response, then handed me a book and told me to go read more about garnet while sitting in that room.

SO garnet: It is for people who have lots of dreams, but have a hard time manifesting them. It helps entrepreneurs, artists and writers realize their ideas and understand how to make them real. Garnet also helps attract the ideas and people that we need.

The crazy thing about the lamp room is that the longer I sat in there, the more energized and peaceful I felt. There was so much energy that I started to see webs in my vision. The back of my head started to tingle. It was so bizzare.

Back at the counter to return the book, a different lady was there. She was doing some yoga stretches. I was ready to purchase my rocks.  I mentioned garnet stones, needing my root chakra unblocked and the flush feeling in my face.

She looked at me and said “You’re not ready to settle down yet. You have a few more years before that’s supposed to happen.  You have very healthy energy, and what ever problems you might be having won’t be that way for long. You’ll get what you want if you just keep working towards it.  You also sometimes forget about your body and being physical. You need to tie together your dreamy, spiritual world with the physical world.”

When I told her I thought I was ready to settle down, start a family, have kids, she said, “You’ve got a couple more years.”

Back in the lamp room with N, K and M. They were laughing and smiling. The formerly grouchy M was smiling and calm. They all commented on how red my face was. So interesting.

When we left the rock store, I felt amazing. Inside the store had some affect on my body that felt emotionally overwhleming–like all the vibrations had affected me. We all felt completely recharged and awake. It was so interesting. I really can’t explain why it happened.

So after all of that, I started thinking about our bodies and spirituality.  Although I’ve studied Buddhism since I was little, I’ve always had a fear of believing in crystals and stuff. I’ve always thought it was believe in false idols and might be against God. All of that changed today.

I guess what I realized was that we do have separate components. A human is made up of the physical body and the energy inside it.  In western medicine, we think we know the physical body and try to cure problems with medicine–but I don’t think all of our physical conditions are caused by physical ailments.

Thinking about energy: I’ve always felt energy in plants and animals–the spark of life, but I’ve always been a bit skeptical. What I experienced today was a very hyper-real awareness of the presence of energy when I entered. And I felt a hyper-real lack of that same energy when I left.  And I can’t deny that.

Continuing to think about energy and its affect on our body. If we are indeed made of energy, various vibrations of moving atoms or what not, then interaction between vibrations can affect us. Like, think about the way a glass full of water will ripple when near a deep bass speaker. It’s easy for me to think that the vibrations of the different rocks and minerals can also affect our energy bu changing vibrations or the rate at which our atoms move.  So interesting.

Taking it further: How do the things in our life affect us? We carry mobile phones, watch TV’s, and we’re surrounded by machines vibrating or emitting noise. Blaring radios. Do these numb our energy?

In Berlin I lived in a flat that only had a radio. The heat was from a coal oven. The shower was a pump circulating water. I would keep my food in a box on the windowsill, using the cold winter to refrigerate my perishables.  In addition to not having any electronic devices, the flat was full of plants. I always felt so calm and peaceful.

In my current living situation, there is always so much noise all the time. I don’t feel peaceful. I can’t wait to move. Six days until I have a space of my own. A space I can make into a peaceful, spiritual den.

But back to crystals and such. I know what I felt today inside that store. And I don’t think they are evil or witchcraft or anything. For me, I really think that God gave us all these tools and things, and as we’ve slowly moved away from the earth, we have forgotten how to use them.  They aren’t charms or idols, they are stones with vibrations that affect our own energy. I don’t know about wrapping a rock with a wish or anything, but having the rock near you affects your vibrations.  Interesting. Very interesting.

So, yeah, that was my day. It’s really hard to put the experience into something rational. I feel very clear, focused–but I can’t really find the words to describe it coherently.

Maybe some of you have had similar experiences or thoughts?