skrapnel

For most of my life, I was scared to ask for things. I used to think it was because I didn’t want to come across as needy, but now I’m starting to realize that I was scared of rejection.  Since rejection is another form of failure, it was easier to NOT ask for things and not risk anything than it was to perhaps be a failure.

Well, that’s all changed. I’m not scared of failure. In fact, I’d rather fall on my face trying than play it safe in the corner. And this thinking is new to me. It’s something I’ve wanted for years, but until I started living and doing–and asking–I never really understood.

Sometimes it feels like riding a wave. It’s going so quickly. If I hesitate, I’ll fall. But at times I’m scared I’m gonna flip over, or crash into something. But I have to relax and know that it’s totally ok; if I crash, I can just pick up my board and get back on the next wave.

So that’s the first step: Addressing the fear of failure. Now I’m moving to step 2: Asking for what I want. It was awkward at first–and I think it came across as awkward. But I’m starting to get the hang of it. And if someone says no, that’s cool. I’ll just figure out how to change my approach, and try it again on someone else.

And no, I’m not talking about dating–but that will probably be affected by the sense of confidence that the experience of the last year has given me.

Do you have problems asking for stuff? Or fear of failure? How did you overcome it? Or are you still struggling?

This quote from Conan O’Brien’s last night really resonated for me:

And all I ask is one thing…and this is…I’m asking this particularly of young people that watch…please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism. For the record, it’s my least favorite quality. It doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen. I’m telling you. Amazing things will happen. I’m telling you. It’s just true.

–Conan O’Brien, 1.22.2010

(via Luxinaustin)

So yesterday I made my New Year’s Resolutions. To help me with those, I’m posting my goals for 2010. They don’t all have to do with the resolutions. Some are personal. Some are professional. Some are shooting for the stars. Some are minimums. Take a look:

• Continue growing Republic of Austin:
  • Add staff and hone our focus to meet our reader community’s needs.
  • Continue finding new ways to connect with our reader community.
  • Throw 3 events that connect with three different segments of our reader community.
• Get better at webdesign, with a particular focus on WordPress and CSS.
  • Complete a course.
  • Build one site.
• Get better at Final Cut
  • Complete a course.
• Launch Molotov Mocktail, the next experiential site focused on Self Sufficient Living, by March 2010.
• Learn to identify more edible plants for urban foraging.
• Record two songs. They can be silly.
• Have a DJ residency by February 2009, at least once a month.
• Spend more time with the people I love. Increase communication via phone or email with those who don’t live in my same city.
• Meditate once or twice a day.
• Get back into the gym to build muscles, 3 times a week. Continue biking for fitness everyday.
• Cook at least 4 dinners a week.
• Make lunch 4 days a week.
• Yoga 3 times a week.
• Try to take 3 trips outside of Texas by the end of the year.
• Write 3 short stories by the end of the year.
• Get me or my business in one national publication.
• Learn how to make soap and cleaning products.

In 2010 I resolve to be more assertive in asking for what I want or need.

In 2010 I resolve to become more self sufficient, producing more of the goods I consume and using less. (from last year)

In 2010 I resolve to balance my work and personal life by creating a definite boundary.

In 2010 I resolve to focus on goals that get me closer to my dreams and pursue them courageously.

In 2010 I resolve to be more open about expressing my love to those who deserve it.

Plus two carry-overs from last year’s resolutions:

In 2010 I resolve to worry less about the things I can’t control.

In 2010 I resolve to devote more energy to projects that help society.

There’s no other way to put it: 2009 was a year full of growth and learning. It was a beautiful and rough year, but one of the happiest years of my life. I feel like I’m on track, honing my skills and gaining a tighter focus on my vision. I’m also learning a lot about patience!

Ok, so I made 5 resolutions for 2009.

In 2009 I resolve to worry less about the things I can’t control.

In 2009 I resolve to devote more energy to projects that help society.

In 2009 I resolve to spend more time with family.

In 2009 I resolve to become more self sufficient, producing more of the goods I consume and using less.

In 2009 I resolve to be more courageous when pursuing my dreams.

How did I do?

In 2009 I resolve to worry less about the things I can’t control.

Well, I can say that I still worry. Do I worry less? Maybe. I think I worry about different things. This may need to be a resolution for 2010.

In 2009 I resolve to devote more energy to projects that help society.

This one was def met! The whole focus for Republic of Austin is on connecting people in Austin. Molotov Mocktail, the next site, takes what we’ve learned and are learning with Republic of Austin and brings it to a national level to focus on self sufficient and sustainable living.

In 2009 I resolve to spend more time with family.

Before I moved from SF, I spent more time with my older brother and his wife. Miss them so much. My younger brother and his wife moved from Austin to Chicago, BUT my cousin Ben moved to Austin! It’s been great hanging out with him, and I look forward to spending more time with him! Now if only my other cousins and my older brother would move to Austin!

In 2009 I resolve to become more self sufficient, producing more of the goods I consume and using less.

I think I may have failed this one. In SF I was really good about composting, recycling and cutting consumption. In Austin, my housemates haven’t been very supportive of those things–and it makes a huge difference. Gonna need to make this a resolution in 2010, fer shure. But Molotov Mocktail should help that!

In 2009 I resolve to be more courageous when pursuing my dreams.

If there was one resolution that sums up my 2009 experience, it’s this one. I left the comfort of San Francisco to move to Texas and work on building a media company. It’s been an amazing experience. 2010 is definitely going to be amazing. I can feel it.

From 2000 to 2007 I lived without a television.  Over the last two years, however, I’ve lived in houses that have included a TV.  In my current house, the TV is the centerpiece of the living area. It’s wall sized and massive. Suffice to say, I watch a lot of TV now.

Shows I religiously watch include True Blood, Entourage, Real Housewives, Lost, SNL and a few others. Thanks to DVR, I can watch these shows whenever, but I still watch about 8 hours of TV a week.  The story telling in these shows is good, so I don’t mind the hours lost.  What bothers me, however, is the way that TV makes you feel like you have free will and opportunity, when you really don’t.

A lot of people never fulfill their personal goals. Or for those without entrepreneurial aspirations, they never get a chance to work in a place that satisfies them. They want to make changes in their lives, but it just never seems to happen.  I have a strong feeling that TV pacifies their passions and keeps them from living their dreams.

Here’s how it works: I go home and click on Entourage. Vinnie Chase and the boys go live the Hollywood life.  I feel like I’m a part of that life.  I feel satisfied.  I know that if I push myself, I might be able to have that as my life. BUT I DON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!

It presents opportunities and possibilities to you, but it also leaves you satisfied.  It’s the feeling of contentment coupled with the fake sense of choice that make TV so dangerous.  Instead of doing things, we leave others to do them–in a fake or highly edited world.

I think I’m gonna start switching off the TV again. It doesn’t feed my head the things I need to move forward, and it takes 8 hours of my time a week.

What are your thoughts about Television? Does it kill dreams?

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been doing some Buddhist meditation exercises to penetrate deeper into my subconscious and discover the source of things interfering with my happiness, health and personal growth.  I’ll save a description of the process for another post, but it’s kind of like reverse engineering unhealthy thought patterns and self-destructive habits.   In this post, I just want to briefly touch on the healing process and also share tonight’s breakthrough.

Fears and complexes can lead to problems like difficulties in relationships (with family, friends or partners); an inability to allow ourselves to achieve or feel success; and even manifest into some health problems.  Our quick-fix society thinks we can take a pill to solve everything, but medicine alone can’t cure the source of the suffering.  For that, I feel that psychoanalysis, meditation, etc., are the only real ways to grow into healthy human beings.

"Reconciliation" by Josefina de Vasconcellos at Coventary Cathedral

Part of the process, for me, is writing. Words are powerful: They change our perceptions and therefore also modify our thinking and habits.  By writing, we can get our thoughts out, manifest them into the world, and settle our minds.

Tonight I couldn’t sleep well.  Instead of the usual drift-into-sleep meditation I normally do in this situation, I ended up continuing deep-meditation exercises I’d been working on earlier in the day.  After I’d gotten into a certain state, I started writing out and acknowledging some of my fear-based actions.  Then I followed the threads of those fears backwards until I’d discovered their source.

One part of the breakthrough involved my relationship with my mother.  The message, below, was typed out in a text message on my cell phone.  It was spontaneous and somewhat subconscious, and the emotional release was so strong that I was crying while writing it.  Thanks to the new copy/paste feature on the iPhone, I’m able to share it with you guys as is.

Mom: I love u so much. I acknowledge that in the past your actions hurt me. I also acknowlede that u r human, and like the rest of us, aren’t perfect. With all my heart, I forgive you and allow you to be imperfect. I allow anything that happened in the past to happen. By so doing, I let go of any pain and suffering it has caused me. I do this to heal myself and allow you to heal. I love u so much, mom. Thank you for bringing me into this world. Love, chris.

I’m so thankful for this epiphany.  I hope it really does help us both heal. I KNOW it will help us both heal.

Will I be able to write the same sort of message to the person whose abuse has affected me the most?  He has blocked it from his memory.  Maybe doing the exercise without contacting him is sufficient to start my side of the healing process.  I know the Lord will help me find the answer.

Stumbled across this poem by the 13th Century Sufi poet Rumi and instantly fell in love:

Knock,

And He’ll open the door.

Vanish,

And He’ll make you shine like the sun.

Fall,

And He’ll raise you to the heavens.

Become nothing,

And He’ll turn you into everything!

In this country, sometimes happiness feels like it’s defined by what you have: the car you drive, the house you live in, how much money you make, and the clothes you wear.  With my move to Austin, I gave up a lot of that to pursue a lifestyle and a career that brings me happiness instead of glory.  It was rough at first–it still is–but I feel like my potential for happiness and a different kind of success is endless.

In the novel, I wanted to look at the problems that occur when one’s individual perceptions don’t sync up with those of the outside collective.  The next book is going to be a study of how our impressions of people are shaped by the opinions of the group.  In preparing for both books, I’ve been reading psychology and philosophy books that discuss individual and collective perceptions.  So far, the best has been a Buddhist psychology book by Thich Naht Hahn called “Understanding Our Mind”.

Our perception of the world is based on our past experiences and the collective perceptions we share with society, our family and our friends. When we add more personal experiences to our lives, we can calibrate our perceptions against those we have learned from others.

When I play back the moments in my life that define the perceptions of the moment I’m in, it’s always like a movie: The action takes place in the present, even though I’m aware it is actually in the past. I am all the experiences leading to this moment, but the person from 5, 10 or 20 years ago is not the same.  I’ve changed.

In Austin, I’ve been constantly aware of the perceptions and experiences I had in college.  It’s been a process of rediscovery and reconciliation.  It offers the chance to look at my past ideas, compare them with my current ideas, and then decide which make sense.  It’s kinda like recalibration of my perceptions–rebuilding myself based on who I was then with the experiences I’ve had up to now.  It’s an interesting process that is difficult at times.  Do people who’ve lived in one place all their lives ever experience this?

Moving to Austin hasn’t been as easy as I expected.  I thought the transition would be less bumpy when going back to a place where I had lots of friends from college.  I was wrong.

Talking to one of my good friends in SF really helped put things into perspective:

He’s right: Building friendships takes time.  Even getting reacquainted to old friends takes time.  If I’m worrying about things not “falling into place,” then I’m wasting energy that could be poured into other things, like the book, the new site or my own health.

Thanks, Jason!