In light of another friend’s suicide–the eigth in my life–this week, I’m reposting this article about my own struggles with suicide and depression. It originally appeared on Republic of Austin in October 2010.

I’ve learned so much over the years. Things change. What we once thought was important becomes trivial. And no matter what your age, it does get better. I’m happy to report that, after struggling with depression for 15 years, my mom is happy again.

If you are struggling with depression and feel suicidal, please tell someone. If you don’t feel you can talk to anyone you know, please reach out to counselors. The world can’t lose any more light.

Young Austinites, it does get better: My personal struggles with suicide and sexuality.

Chris Lynn
October 20th, 2010

EDITOR’S NOTE: Today’s post deals with two rough topics: suicide and sexuality. If you’ve got a problem with either one of them, don’t read. And if this post offends you, eff off.

Today I’m wearing purple in remembrance of the recent suicides by gay teens affected by bullying. I’m also here to tell everyone of all ages, straight, gay, queer, that things get better. Suicide is not the answer. It does get better.

Me at SXSW 2010 in my favorite purple shirt and hoodie.

Suicide and sexuality are two things our society would like to sweep under the rug. Television and movies make us feel we have to look, act and be a certain way–but that image doesn’t always fit with the person we are inside. My entire life, I have been one of those people that doesn’t fit.

My first bout with depression was when I was 9. I remember sitting in my room wanting to kill myself. But being too young to know about knives, nooses or carbon monoxide, I thought I could smother myself with a blanket. Wrapping my head with my quilt, I sat on my bed and waited to run out of oxygen. Nothing happened.

Growing up, I was a little awkward. Not necessarily effeminate, I had a high-pitched voice. Although I love sports, out on the field I’d often get distracted by butterflies or flowers. Plus, I spent a lot of my free time drawing and painting.

I started getting called faggot in the 2nd grade. More than a few times guys spat on me at the water fountain or at recess. Thankfully, my grandfather taught me to laugh it off; my mom taught me a bunch of super dirty retorts–’bloody cunt scab’ being my favorite; and my spirituality taught me to turn the other cheek.

Me at a 7th Grade dance.

As I moved into my teens, the feelings of depression turned into anxiety and anger. It was hard to connect with other guys. And I was getting into a lot of fights.

Finally in 8th grade, I met someone with whom I immediately clicked. His name was Brian. And although neither one of us knew it at the time, he was gay.

Gay. To a young boy, the word is weak and anti-man. For some, it can also feel like a death penalty: Either you spend your life dressing in women’s clothes or you have AIDS. Oh yeah, and God hates gays. There’s no gray, only black and white.

The first person I came out to was my brother. I was 15. He was 11. We were camping. Early one morning I told him “Mikey, I think I love boys.” He said, “That’s cool.” It would be several years before I knew what any of that meant, but I somehow felt free.

In High School, I started going to raves every weekend. I met folks who were accepting of all types of people. My close friends were also supportive and full of love. But still I felt different: I wasn’t like my gay friends and I wasn’t like my straight friends. I’d get so angry with myself for not knowing who or what I was. The suicidal thoughts came back. The bullying started up again.

Me as a moody 17 year old

One day in the locker room after swim practice, I was cornered by two swimmers and another athlete. They shoved me against the lockers. One of them put his forearm against my throat while the other two held me against the wall. “Kiss me, faggot,” he said, inches from my lips.

Freaked out, I kneed him in the crotch and started screaming “GET OFF ME YOU FUCKING FAGGOT!” They let go of me, and I ran. When my Tongan friends caught wind of what happened, no bullies ever messed with me again.

College was better and worse. During my freshman year, I knew that I was not normal. At the same time, I was meeting new people. I didn’t want them to not like me, so I kept the curious side of my life secret. I experimented with guys and girls, and guess what: I still couldn’t figure a damn thing out.

Me as a Junior in HS getting ready to go to Prom.

Things weren’t so easy for my friends from High School. Brian, my first non-sexual “boyfriend,” put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger during a thunderstorm. Two other gay friends similarly took their lives after struggling to come to terms with their sexuality.

For months after Brian’s suicide, I would drive around Austin and scream at him until I’d go hoarse. He killed himself 11 years ago this month. He’s missed a lot of amazing experiences. He’d probably be living in New York now. He would have loved (and then hated) Lady Gaga.

Over the years, I’ve come to realize that I’m NOT gay. I’m a proud bisexual. I’ve learned that nothing about me is “normal.” My ideas, my outlook on life, my experiences are all my own. And I’m happy with that. My life is full of joy and happiness. The world has plenty suited businessmen and worker drones. A healthy world needs color and variety.

It took me a LONG time to understand that. For years I had suicidal thoughts. In San Francisco I worked at a firm that hated me. In not so many words, they told me I was dumb. They told me I’d misrepresented myself. And for a second, I believed them. Thankfully, I quit that job and followed it with an amazing firm that embraced my creativity and gave me the confidence I have today.

It DOES get better. There’s not one path. There’s not one type of person. You will move away from home. You will meet other people like you. You will have a life full of joy, happiness and love. You will walk in the light of the Lord.

If you are feeling suicidal, please get help. If you don’t have anyone close you can trust, please email me. I promise it will get better.

Me with my grandmother in September 2010.

Graphic by Michael McCrary (http://mmccrary.com)

Since my grandmother’s death last month, I’ve been slipping in and out of sadness. Last week was really rough. And although I know she is still with me, it sent me a jolt.

Jolts aren’t always bad things–and I’m learning a lot. But during this processing time, I need some guidance to help me do the things that are best to keep me at a day-to-day functional level. When times are tough, I turn to my personal instruction manual.

I wrote the first draft of my instruction manual in Berlin. Leaving the city I love to help my brother and deal with my own depression after I’d had everything stolen, I decided to make a list of accomplishments in Berlin, including things I’d learned about myself during while there.

The list ended up being 5 hand-written pages of insight. And instead of feeling like my time there had been full of failure, I felt like I’d actually accomplished something. I’d also discovered the basic needs to keep me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually happy.

A lot has changed in the 6 years since I drafted that list–but many of the elements still hold true. I’ll spare you the 5 pages and will instead share my most recent revision. Let’s call this the Reader’s Digest version of what makes me tick.

My Personal Instruction Manual

• Maintain a regular schedule.
• One hour before bed, switch off the computer and put on some calming music. This is my time.
• During that hour, straighten up the house: Put dirty clothes away, clean or rinse dirty dishes, etc.
• Drink a glass of water during that hour.
• After those tasks, start my series of yoga stretches, thinking about nothing but the movements, really reeling my body and become one with body and mind. Feel the spirit shine.
• Brush teeth, wash face, smile.
• Be thankful you survived another day.
• Once in bed, meditate on a glowing white light.
• Sleep 7 hours minimum.
• Wake up thankful: “Good morning, world. Thank you for letting me survive another night.”
• Eat breakfast, lunch and dinner (when hungry).
• Drink plenty of water throughout the day.
• Your best at morning exercise–but afternoon or evening exercise is good, too.
• Do intensive cardio like interval training or cycling when you are feeling anxious, stressed or panicky.
• Eat a good mix of food. My body is best suited for: more veggies; little to no sugar; no wheat; nice amount of healthy oils; relatively low carbs and an even amount of protein.
• Tell people thank you when it’s deserved.
• Tell people why what they are doing is good–and how it made you feel.
• Talk to good friends frequently.
• Spend time with people who make you feel good, accentuate your positive qualities and stimulate you.
• Disregard the negative people–laugh off their silliness.
• Always remember to ask: What can I do right now to improve my state of mind? What can I do right now to better my standard of living?
• Remember: Being alive is a beautiful gift.
• And don’t forget to say hello to the trees.

Yeah, so that’s my list. Some of the things are particular to my health issues (bad heart, celiac’s disease). Because I tend to slip into bad habits when I’m depressed, a lot of the items try to rewire those habits through behavioral reprogramming. Sometimes starting a few of these, it moves me in the right direction.

When was the last time you made a list of your accomplishments instead of looking at defeat?

When was the last time you listed your strengths instead of honing in on your weaknesses?

What do you do when times are tough?

Do you have a personal instruction manual?

I used to think that being humble meant being subservient–kinda like a dog with its head bowed and its tail between its leg. A sort of posturing, it was more of an act rather than an action.

Being humble means:

• Not talking about things that might make someone feel inferior.
• Listening with all your heart and not thinking about what to say.
• Respecting relationships.
• Not always having the spotlight or being the alpha dog in the room.
• Doing things that might be “beneath” you out of respect or love.
• Patience.
• Losing your ego.

Because I had a low self esteem, I used to feel like i had to prove myself by talking about places I’ve been, things that are successful, etc. Now that I’m comfortable with myself, I don’t want to talk about myself. I just want to be in the moment with my friends and the people around me. I want to help them be the best they can be–and I can’t do that if I’m always talking about my own successes or thinking about what to say next.

Being humble means letting go of yourself so that someone else can have a moment to shine.

I’m learning.

For most of my life, I was scared to ask for things. I used to think it was because I didn’t want to come across as needy, but now I’m starting to realize that I was scared of rejection.  Since rejection is another form of failure, it was easier to NOT ask for things and not risk anything than it was to perhaps be a failure.

Well, that’s all changed. I’m not scared of failure. In fact, I’d rather fall on my face trying than play it safe in the corner. And this thinking is new to me. It’s something I’ve wanted for years, but until I started living and doing–and asking–I never really understood.

Sometimes it feels like riding a wave. It’s going so quickly. If I hesitate, I’ll fall. But at times I’m scared I’m gonna flip over, or crash into something. But I have to relax and know that it’s totally ok; if I crash, I can just pick up my board and get back on the next wave.

So that’s the first step: Addressing the fear of failure. Now I’m moving to step 2: Asking for what I want. It was awkward at first–and I think it came across as awkward. But I’m starting to get the hang of it. And if someone says no, that’s cool. I’ll just figure out how to change my approach, and try it again on someone else.

And no, I’m not talking about dating–but that will probably be affected by the sense of confidence that the experience of the last year has given me.

Do you have problems asking for stuff? Or fear of failure? How did you overcome it? Or are you still struggling?

This quote from Conan O’Brien’s last night really resonated for me:

And all I ask is one thing…and this is…I’m asking this particularly of young people that watch…please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism. For the record, it’s my least favorite quality. It doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen. I’m telling you. Amazing things will happen. I’m telling you. It’s just true.

–Conan O’Brien, 1.22.2010

(via Luxinaustin)

So yesterday I made my New Year’s Resolutions. To help me with those, I’m posting my goals for 2010. They don’t all have to do with the resolutions. Some are personal. Some are professional. Some are shooting for the stars. Some are minimums. Take a look:

• Continue growing Republic of Austin:
  • Add staff and hone our focus to meet our reader community’s needs.
  • Continue finding new ways to connect with our reader community.
  • Throw 3 events that connect with three different segments of our reader community.
• Get better at webdesign, with a particular focus on WordPress and CSS.
  • Complete a course.
  • Build one site.
• Get better at Final Cut
  • Complete a course.
• Launch Molotov Mocktail, the next experiential site focused on Self Sufficient Living, by March 2010.
• Learn to identify more edible plants for urban foraging.
• Record two songs. They can be silly.
• Have a DJ residency by February 2009, at least once a month.
• Spend more time with the people I love. Increase communication via phone or email with those who don’t live in my same city.
• Meditate once or twice a day.
• Get back into the gym to build muscles, 3 times a week. Continue biking for fitness everyday.
• Cook at least 4 dinners a week.
• Make lunch 4 days a week.
• Yoga 3 times a week.
• Try to take 3 trips outside of Texas by the end of the year.
• Write 3 short stories by the end of the year.
• Get me or my business in one national publication.
• Learn how to make soap and cleaning products.

In 2010 I resolve to be more assertive in asking for what I want or need.

In 2010 I resolve to become more self sufficient, producing more of the goods I consume and using less. (from last year)

In 2010 I resolve to balance my work and personal life by creating a definite boundary.

In 2010 I resolve to focus on goals that get me closer to my dreams and pursue them courageously.

In 2010 I resolve to be more open about expressing my love to those who deserve it.

Plus two carry-overs from last year’s resolutions:

In 2010 I resolve to worry less about the things I can’t control.

In 2010 I resolve to devote more energy to projects that help society.

There’s no other way to put it: 2009 was a year full of growth and learning. It was a beautiful and rough year, but one of the happiest years of my life. I feel like I’m on track, honing my skills and gaining a tighter focus on my vision. I’m also learning a lot about patience!

Ok, so I made 5 resolutions for 2009.

In 2009 I resolve to worry less about the things I can’t control.

In 2009 I resolve to devote more energy to projects that help society.

In 2009 I resolve to spend more time with family.

In 2009 I resolve to become more self sufficient, producing more of the goods I consume and using less.

In 2009 I resolve to be more courageous when pursuing my dreams.

How did I do?

In 2009 I resolve to worry less about the things I can’t control.

Well, I can say that I still worry. Do I worry less? Maybe. I think I worry about different things. This may need to be a resolution for 2010.

In 2009 I resolve to devote more energy to projects that help society.

This one was def met! The whole focus for Republic of Austin is on connecting people in Austin. Molotov Mocktail, the next site, takes what we’ve learned and are learning with Republic of Austin and brings it to a national level to focus on self sufficient and sustainable living.

In 2009 I resolve to spend more time with family.

Before I moved from SF, I spent more time with my older brother and his wife. Miss them so much. My younger brother and his wife moved from Austin to Chicago, BUT my cousin Ben moved to Austin! It’s been great hanging out with him, and I look forward to spending more time with him! Now if only my other cousins and my older brother would move to Austin!

In 2009 I resolve to become more self sufficient, producing more of the goods I consume and using less.

I think I may have failed this one. In SF I was really good about composting, recycling and cutting consumption. In Austin, my housemates haven’t been very supportive of those things–and it makes a huge difference. Gonna need to make this a resolution in 2010, fer shure. But Molotov Mocktail should help that!

In 2009 I resolve to be more courageous when pursuing my dreams.

If there was one resolution that sums up my 2009 experience, it’s this one. I left the comfort of San Francisco to move to Texas and work on building a media company. It’s been an amazing experience. 2010 is definitely going to be amazing. I can feel it.

From 2000 to 2007 I lived without a television.  Over the last two years, however, I’ve lived in houses that have included a TV.  In my current house, the TV is the centerpiece of the living area. It’s wall sized and massive. Suffice to say, I watch a lot of TV now.

Shows I religiously watch include True Blood, Entourage, Real Housewives, Lost, SNL and a few others. Thanks to DVR, I can watch these shows whenever, but I still watch about 8 hours of TV a week.  The story telling in these shows is good, so I don’t mind the hours lost.  What bothers me, however, is the way that TV makes you feel like you have free will and opportunity, when you really don’t.

A lot of people never fulfill their personal goals. Or for those without entrepreneurial aspirations, they never get a chance to work in a place that satisfies them. They want to make changes in their lives, but it just never seems to happen.  I have a strong feeling that TV pacifies their passions and keeps them from living their dreams.

Here’s how it works: I go home and click on Entourage. Vinnie Chase and the boys go live the Hollywood life.  I feel like I’m a part of that life.  I feel satisfied.  I know that if I push myself, I might be able to have that as my life. BUT I DON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!

It presents opportunities and possibilities to you, but it also leaves you satisfied.  It’s the feeling of contentment coupled with the fake sense of choice that make TV so dangerous.  Instead of doing things, we leave others to do them–in a fake or highly edited world.

I think I’m gonna start switching off the TV again. It doesn’t feed my head the things I need to move forward, and it takes 8 hours of my time a week.

What are your thoughts about Television? Does it kill dreams?

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been doing some Buddhist meditation exercises to penetrate deeper into my subconscious and discover the source of things interfering with my happiness, health and personal growth.  I’ll save a description of the process for another post, but it’s kind of like reverse engineering unhealthy thought patterns and self-destructive habits.   In this post, I just want to briefly touch on the healing process and also share tonight’s breakthrough.

Fears and complexes can lead to problems like difficulties in relationships (with family, friends or partners); an inability to allow ourselves to achieve or feel success; and even manifest into some health problems.  Our quick-fix society thinks we can take a pill to solve everything, but medicine alone can’t cure the source of the suffering.  For that, I feel that psychoanalysis, meditation, etc., are the only real ways to grow into healthy human beings.

"Reconciliation" by Josefina de Vasconcellos at Coventary Cathedral

Part of the process, for me, is writing. Words are powerful: They change our perceptions and therefore also modify our thinking and habits.  By writing, we can get our thoughts out, manifest them into the world, and settle our minds.

Tonight I couldn’t sleep well.  Instead of the usual drift-into-sleep meditation I normally do in this situation, I ended up continuing deep-meditation exercises I’d been working on earlier in the day.  After I’d gotten into a certain state, I started writing out and acknowledging some of my fear-based actions.  Then I followed the threads of those fears backwards until I’d discovered their source.

One part of the breakthrough involved my relationship with my mother.  The message, below, was typed out in a text message on my cell phone.  It was spontaneous and somewhat subconscious, and the emotional release was so strong that I was crying while writing it.  Thanks to the new copy/paste feature on the iPhone, I’m able to share it with you guys as is.

Mom: I love u so much. I acknowledge that in the past your actions hurt me. I also acknowlede that u r human, and like the rest of us, aren’t perfect. With all my heart, I forgive you and allow you to be imperfect. I allow anything that happened in the past to happen. By so doing, I let go of any pain and suffering it has caused me. I do this to heal myself and allow you to heal. I love u so much, mom. Thank you for bringing me into this world. Love, chris.

I’m so thankful for this epiphany.  I hope it really does help us both heal. I KNOW it will help us both heal.

Will I be able to write the same sort of message to the person whose abuse has affected me the most?  He has blocked it from his memory.  Maybe doing the exercise without contacting him is sufficient to start my side of the healing process.  I know the Lord will help me find the answer.