Life is so short and fleeting. Live every moment like it’s your last. Love your family and friends. Tell them you love them. Pursue peace, joy and true happiness with all your heart.

So very thankful to have met so many beautiful people in my life. Thank you all for the joy you bring me.

<3

Jolts aren’t always bad things–and I’m learning a lot. But during this processing time, I need some guidance to help me do the things that are best to keep me at a day-to-day functional level. When times are tough, I turn to my personal instruction manual.

I wrote the first draft of my instruction manual in Berlin. Leaving the city I love to help my brother and deal with my own depression after I’d had everything stolen, I decided to make a list of accomplishments in Berlin, including things I’d learned about myself during while there.

The list ended up being 5 hand-written pages of insight. And instead of feeling like my time there had been full of failure, I felt like I’d actually accomplished something. I’d also discovered the basic needs to keep me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually happy.

A lot has changed in the 6 years since I drafted that list–but many of the elements still hold true. I’ll spare you the 5 pages and will instead share my most recent revision. Let’s call this the Reader’s Digest version of what makes me tick.

My Personal Instruction Manual

• Maintain a regular schedule.
• One hour before bed, switch off the computer and put on some calming music. This is my time.
• During that hour, straighten up the house: Put dirty clothes away, clean or rinse dirty dishes, etc.
• Drink a glass of water during that hour.
• After those tasks, start my series of yoga stretches, thinking about nothing but the movements, really reeling my body and become one with body and mind. Feel the spirit shine.
• Brush teeth, wash face, smile.
• Be thankful you survived another day.
• Once in bed, meditate on a glowing white light.
• Sleep 7 hours minimum.
• Wake up thankful: “Good morning, world. Thank you for letting me survive another night.”
• Eat breakfast, lunch and dinner (when hungry).
• Drink plenty of water throughout the day.
• Your best at morning exercise–but afternoon or evening exercise is good, too.
• Do intensive cardio like interval training or cycling when you are feeling anxious, stressed or panicky.
• Eat a good mix of food. My body is best suited for: more veggies; little to no sugar; no wheat; nice amount of healthy oils; relatively low carbs and an even amount of protein.
• Tell people thank you when it’s deserved.
• Tell people why what they are doing is good–and how it made you feel.
• Talk to good friends frequently.
• Spend time with people who make you feel good, accentuate your positive qualities and stimulate you.
• Disregard the negative people–laugh off their silliness.
• Always remember to ask: What can I do right now to improve my state of mind? What can I do right now to better my standard of living?
• Remember: Being alive is a beautiful gift.
• And don’t forget to say hello to the trees.

Yeah, so that’s my list. Some of the things are particular to my health issues (bad heart, celiac’s disease). Because I tend to slip into bad habits when I’m depressed, a lot of the items try to rewire those habits through behavioral reprogramming. Sometimes starting a few of these, it moves me in the right direction.

When was the last time you made a list of your accomplishments instead of looking at defeat?

When was the last time you listed your strengths instead of honing in on your weaknesses?

What do you do when times are tough?

Do you have a personal instruction manual?

My grandmother is on pain medicine and she’s doing chemotherapy. She has lung cancer. It’s been such an interesting experience for me since I found out in August.

It was weird. One Wednesday I had the urge to book tickets to see her for a weekend visit. I called her on Thursday to tell her I was gonna be there on Friday. On that call she told me she had just been diagnosed with lung cancer. It didn’t freak me out–it was like my spirit already knew.

When I went down there, we spent a lot of time just doing nothing. She lives in an assisted living apartment near a beach, so when I was driving to my aunt’s beach house at like 1.30 in the morning after hanging out with my grandmother, I pulled the car up on the beach all the way to the waves and I started crying.

That night, what I realized is that death is nothing to be scared of. It’s just the next phase. I started reading Buddhist texts about Death and Dying, and I’ve started to understand that there is no end and no beginning. It’s just transformation of form. My grandmother is starting to understand this, too.

My grandmother didn’t want to do chemotherapy. She wanted to just accept this as another stage of her life. She told me she has had 87 years of beauty and love–something most people don’t get to ever experience. She was happy just taking pain medicine until the end.

We do so much in life to try to run from death and aging–but it’s part of this existence. We can’t hold on to memories or people or things. Everything changes and transforms–but people we love and moments we love are always there, it’s just our perception of their form that has changed.

Anyway, later in the month, I’m bringing lots of good food and champagne to my grandmother, and she and I are going to have a party to celebrate the time we shared together on this beautifully twisted roller coaster ride called life.

Ever since I realized that life is just transformation of state, I’m not scared. I’m happy to understand that everything is interconnected and woven into the underlying fabric of the universe. You and I–all of us–are always changing state and are always a part of everything.

I’ve always been one to say I’m not scared of death. The last 18 years of Buddhist studies helped mold those ideas. And although I suffered a lot of loss early life, it was the underlying youthful fearlessness that propped up my lack of fear towards death. As I’ve gotten older, however, I’ve become more aware of the value of life, and the concept of death being an “end” started to form.

It’s that notion of an end that we are scared of. We run from it and pretend that death won’t happen to us–but it will: Like a slasher film, no one leaves this place alive.

The thing to know is that there is no beginning or end. There’s no coming or going. There’s just transformation. The right circumstances arise and we are blessed with a human manifestation. Like a wave, we have our own form, but its underlying essence of ocean or water is unchanged. When a wave crashes against a shore, it doesn’t end, it just transforms. It is always water.

I’ll explain the esoteric stuff in a later post. This is just an update. Most of my personal writing lately is happening in a hand-written journal. I’m thinking about scanning the entries and posting those raw. Maybe I’ll transcribe them. In any case, I hope to have that up before the New Year

<3 + V + \m/

ca

Took this photo at 1.30 in the morning the weekend we found out. Both of us are smiling.

I’ve always been kind of obsessed with Alice in Wonderland. In a box somewhere, I have some large reproductions of John Tenniel‘s illustrations from the 1st edition (1865) of Lewis Carroll’s classic novel. Wasn’t sure if it was the box that mom dropped off, so I started digging through it.

I eventually want to photographically chronicle some of this stuff, but for now I’m just going to list a few things I’ve found.

• A t-shirt I painted when I was 13. It’s so tiny–a boy’s medium. I remember it being way oversized. It has a yin-yang on the back.
• Contact sheets of the first modeling pics I took when I was 19. A famous photographer took them. They are in black and white. At the time, I didn’t understand why anyone would want to take my picture. Typical teenager, I didn’t think I was attractive. I was really happy and care-free, although in some pictures I’m def self aware. I still look basically the same except now my face is thinner and my body is not quite as cut LOL
• My photo scrap book from Senior Year in HS and the first 2 years of college. So young!
• 8th grade year book (1991). Shoved inside were 3 sets of matted photos from our district winning cross country and track teams. Someone’s parent took a lot of time to take the photos of us out on the track or on the cross country course. They also matted the pictures. Unlike the actual yearbook pics, these pictures are candid and feel more like real memories. I look at the pics and I can feel the polyester shorts, the cold wind and my tight lungs. Funny: I was so intimidated by most of the other guys on the team. Looking at them now, I realize how silly that was. I look sad and very unsure of myself. I started crying looking at these pics and thinking about how much I was going through at the time. Shocks me that that little boy was me.
• One of my sketchbooks from when I was 20. I was going through a cubistic phase.
• Le Journal de Mickey – a French comic book from 1988 in which Mickey and crew go to the Olympics!
• An autograph from 1990 from Jim Wright, former speaker of the US House of Representatives. When I was a kid, I loved him because he was from Fort Worth, went to my mom’s High School and went to UT.

Yeah, so that’s just a small sampling. My mom is going to bring another box down soon. Hoping it has those Alice in Wonderland prints.  If it does, that will also include all my wall decorations!!

My grandmother is the person who has inspired me the most. She has always been there to give me the emotional support and courage I’ve needed on my many voyages throughout life. A truly classy lady, she taught me to respect people regardless of their race, religion, social status or sexual orientation. She’s also extremely compassionate, which is why she was a superstar nurse before she retired.

A few years ago, she and my grandfather moved from their home in Dallas to an assisted living center in Galveston. Before the move, she had a very active life: personal trainer, book club, shopping at Central Market and eating healthy food.  Her life is completely different now. Not sure whether it was leaving her friends, downsizing from a house into an apartment or the stress of watching my grandfather suffer through Parkinson’s disease, but she’s been off-and-on depressed since the move.

When I was living in Berlin, she used to call me every day to chat. Those calls got me through the severe depression I suffered after having everything stolen. Now I call her almost every night with the hopes that I can lift her spirits.

While depressed, she had gained a lot of weight. A couple of months ago, she decided she needed to lose the weight so that she could regain a little esteem. Over this last visit, she looked like the granny I grew up with: active and fit. For a woman in her late 80′s, she looks amazing. I couldn’t stop taking pictures!

This one is probably my favorite of all the photos I took. We were in the elevator heading out to grab dinner. Surprisingly, the light was amazing. She looked strong.

This is obviously not the best quality picture–but the situation was so beautiful. We were walking to her car. It was sunset, and the sky was flushed with pinks and purples. We stopped to admire the splendor. When I turned to look back at her, she was bathed in the pink light reflecting off the sky, as if she was glowing. Behind her, a bush with pink flowers was blowing in the breeze. I snapped this picture to remember the moment.

This is a picture of my grandmother dressed to go to dinner. She loves pink and purple, and this outfit looked great on her!

This was her outfit for my grandfather’s birthday dinner. She reminded me of a Spanish Catalan woman.

This is my grandmother with Tennille, a family friend. I love this picture because this is her natural smile. It’s so peaceful and happy. It was the only time I captured it during the trip. The joy of having everyone there for my gfather’s b-day kinda shines through. And she loves Tennille.

This is my grandfather. He is also one of my heros. He taught me that I can create my own world.

Even though he’s 90, I think he still looks very handsome. I snapped this picture before we headed to the Lone Star Flight Museum. Because of the Parkinson’s, it was tough to take a picture of him. For this one, I hopped in front of him and said “Smile, Bobby!” He smiled, and I snapped the pic!

My grandfather is the love of my grandmother’s life. They’ve been together for 65 years. The compassion she has for this man is amazing. I can’t imagine what it’s like to watch as your loved one slowly deteriorates in front of you. But they have each other. And their love is so beautiful.

This is the best picture I think I’ve ever taken of them. My grandmother looks devoted and strong. <3

]]> http://skrapnel.com/2010/06/29/six-pictures-of-my-grandmother-the/feed/ 4 Chris Lynn IMG_9612 IMG_9609 IMG_9619 IMG_9641 IMG_9645 IMG_9620 IMG_9646 http://skrapnel.com/2010/01/02/goals-for-2010/ http://skrapnel.com/2010/01/02/goals-for-2010/#comments Sat, 02 Jan 2010 13:01:01 +0000 Chris Apollo Lynn http://skrapnel.com/?p=656 ]]> So yesterday I made my New Year’s Resolutions. To help me with those, I’m posting my goals for 2010. They don’t all have to do with the resolutions. Some are personal. Some are professional. Some are shooting for the stars. Some are minimums. Take a look:

• Continue growing Republic of Austin:
  • Add staff and hone our focus to meet our reader community’s needs.
  • Continue finding new ways to connect with our reader community.
  • Throw 3 events that connect with three different segments of our reader community.
• Get better at webdesign, with a particular focus on WordPress and CSS.
  • Complete a course.
  • Build one site.
• Get better at Final Cut
  • Complete a course.
• Launch Molotov Mocktail, the next experiential site focused on Self Sufficient Living, by March 2010.
• Learn to identify more edible plants for urban foraging.
• Record two songs. They can be silly.
• Have a DJ residency by February 2009, at least once a month.
• Spend more time with the people I love. Increase communication via phone or email with those who don’t live in my same city.
• Meditate once or twice a day.
• Get back into the gym to build muscles, 3 times a week. Continue biking for fitness everyday.
• Cook at least 4 dinners a week.
• Make lunch 4 days a week.
• Yoga 3 times a week.
• Try to take 3 trips outside of Texas by the end of the year.
• Write 3 short stories by the end of the year.
• Get me or my business in one national publication.
• Learn how to make soap and cleaning products.

It’s been a year since I was laid off. In that year, I’ve moved to a new city to launch a company. I don’t have much money. I don’t have a lot of material things. But I do have a great team and I’m surrounded by people I love. The future looks so bright.

One of the things about Berlin that I loved was the sense of camaraderie and community that everyone had. Everyone was a struggling something-or-other, and everyone was living their dream. In San Francisco, it kinda felt like everyone was looking out for themselves, like some race to the top. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my colleagues at SHIFT and met tons of amazing people–but on the whole, everyone was really too busy to pursue the things they loved.

Austin reminds me of a level-headed Berlin. In Berlin, the frenzy of the city could get a little crazy. Austin, on the other hand, always feels nice and even keeled–even at its craziest. Whether in tech, music, art or even marketing, this city is full of so many creative people who gather in very active and vibrant communities. You don’t feel alone, and that’s makes a huge difference.

Kinda rambling, but the point is: I’m in a city I love, surrounded by people I love, doing what I love.

Not sure if any of the links still work. Click at your own risk.

Bio

My name is Apollo Twelvethirteen….well, not really.  The internet is all about chosen identities, so I chose this one.

Apollo comes from the Sun God.  He’s awesome! He is the god of music, truth, and healing.  He is all about balance in one’s life and he has the body I want.  Plus, if you noticed on the opening page, I have a sun tattoo on my chest.  I got it when I was 18, and it was my first tattoo.  I have a moon with three stars on my torso, in order to balance out the sun.  That was tattered on me when I was 19.  I considered many different styles for it, but I ultimately modeled the design after the simple moon on the Conan O’Brien show. I love nature and there is something mysterious about the sun and the moon.  Night and day,  This may sound weird, but it’s something that I think describes me a little.  Last summer, I was at the library, and I stumbled on to this book about tattoos and piercings.  I quickly turned to a listing of common tattoos and their meanings.  It so happens that the sun represents masculinity and the moon represents feminity.  I always knew that, but hadn’t thought about it like.  I would say that I’m a balance of those aspects.  I have a sensitive side, but I’m still tough (or something).  Anyway: Both the sun and moon are simple outlines.  The stars are in color..the three being blue, green, and purple.  I like the simple aspet of the outlines.  My third, and final, (for now) tattoo is on my back, shoulder blade area.  It’s an equilateral triangle with the Eye of Osiris in the center.  It looks similar to the eye of the Illuminati, but it’s not.  Osiris is the Egyptian god of enlightenment.  Thus, when combined with the equilateral triangle, we have the following theory: a balance of mind, body and spirit equals enlightenment.  One of my good friends and I designed and got these tattoos when I was…20?  My friend, Skip, also has the eye of osiris, although it’s not stylized like ours are.  I don’t know if that balance causes enlightenment, but it does keep me healthy.  If you haven’t noticed, I love duality, and threes.  Like De La Soul says “3 is the magic number”.  Good things come in two’s and threes….(Skip, you know what I’m talkin ’bout, playa! )

Twelvethirteen is from my birthday.  I was born on December 13th, XXXX [REDACTED] in Dallas, Texas.  I went to school, played sports, partied, did my photgraphy and art, and graduated High School in 19XX [REDACTED] in the top 5%.  I’m not a super dork.  I partied all throughout High School.  Now, when I say party, I don’t mean your average house party.  Well, it is a house party, house being the music played (also my favorite), but what is referred to commercially as a “rave”.  I started partying when I was 15, and I still party 8 years later.  The rave culture raised me.  Many people would like to toss it off as a place where people take illegal drugs and stuff, but it really is more than that.  Partying taught me about unity, respect, love and spirituality.  People of all walks of life getting together and just dancing it all off.  It’s not an open act of rebellion, like the hippie movement.  It’s just us doing our thing.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Our thing happens to be something that our culture has lacked for so long: the idea that music connects and heals.  House music is pure happiness.  Dancing is like meditation in motion.  Well, all the idealism aside, it’s also a great place to hangout with your friends, and it’s not as trashy as clubs.

I go to the University of Texas at Austin.  I’m a fifth year senior.  I major in Anthropology and Spanish.  I love both of them so much.  Yes, anthropologists dig up bones and talk about evolution, but I don’t do that aspect of anthropology.  I study evolution, in a way, but evolution of the mind and society.  In technical words: social or cultural anthropology.  I love social theory.  My big three theorists are: Michel Foucault, Pierre Bourdieu, and Raymond Williams.  Look them up at the library.  They can be really complex, but it’s stuff that you probably are already aware of, so hang in there!!  Look for a whole page devoted to Social theory, soon! (WOW!!)  The other love of my life is Spanish.  This language is so beautiful.  Well, I love language in general. Learning a new language is like opening a gateway to a whole new world! I have learned Japanese, Italian, and a little French.  My native language is English, but, living in Texas, Spanish is my second.  My daily babysitter spoke spanish all the time when I was a kid, and so did the other children.  I love Spanish! Mexico is such a place rich with culture! Imagine: thousand year old pyramids in the heart of one of the most urban cities in the world! Boggles the mind…well, at least in America!  My  number one writer is Gabriel Garcia Marquez.  One Hundred Years of Solitude is the best book ever.  I love Spanish American Literature (especially modern lit!).  I’m also getting into Spanish Literature.

I love music, reading, dancing, art…well, I love Life!  I love all my friends and family.  I do have my moments, of sadness, but they roll away. You can read about my likes on their own pages!! Yes, soon!!

After graduation: Well…not sure yet.  I do want to go to graduate school, but I NEEED a break.  Plus, I’m not really sure in what.  Anthropologists can really do a lot ranging from marketing to teaching.  I want to incorporate my Spanish into my job.  Art will always be in my life.  I also write.  I have won contests for my photgraphy.  Some stuff has even been published.  I do sketches, acrylics, collages, everything.  I write poetry and short stories.  I think I’m a good writer.  Since this is MY webpage, look for a showcase of my works, SOON!  I want to move to…hmmm…New York, Italy, or Spain.  Two of my good friends, as well as a wonderful cousin, aunt, and uncle all live in NYC.  I can’t wait…Bright lights, big city.  New york, new york, big city of dreams.  My grandparents moved OUT of NYC many years ago.  When I told them I wanted to move there, they asked”Why?” My reply was: “I want to go back to my roots!”  Honestly, I think New York is probably the center of the world.  I know that pretty nationalistic, but it’s what I feel.  My aunt would laugh and say “It’s really not all that”.  Well, she wouldn’t use THOSE words, but that would be my translation.

That brings me to my family.  I had a mom and dad…for a few months.  Then something happened, and my mom was alone with me.  She is a lawyer.  She then married my step-dad when I was..4ish.  She also had my little brother shortly there after.  It was hard growing up.  We didn’t like each other that much.  Now, however, he is my best-friend.  I love my brother more than anyone.  He is a lot like me, but with a twist.  He likes math.  Well, “like” is the wrong word. He LOVES math.  He probably knows almost everything about me, which I think is hard for anyone to say.  It scares me sometimes, since who wants someone to know EVERYTHING about you (Mikey, notice I said “almost”).  But it’s also awesome, since I know he’s always there for me, and I will be there for him.  He also sleeps A LOT. But he is a growing boy. 19 is pretty tough.  He goes to my school, the University of Texas @ Austin.  I know this is going to sound so Texan, but: It’s  the best and biggest school. SIZE DOES MATTER!! We have great academics and sports (Hook ‘em Horns!).

My Grandparents are 2 of the most important people in my life.  I love them so much.  They have given me guidance throughout my life.  They are truly wonderful people with beautiful souls.  My grandfather is a strong figure.  He has helped me understand control and respect.  He has given me all kinds of advice on jobs, money, sports, you name it!  My grandmother has helped me understand spirituality, beauty, love, and acceptance.  Plus, they are very beautiful and healthy, and I’m glad I’ve got great genes!! I hope I look that good when I’m older!!

My aunts (and all their husbands, my uncles) have been very supportive of me.  They all have their own personalities that have added so much to my life.  I love seeing them the 2 or 3 times a year we all get together.  They’re all witty and fun.  There is no other family I’d rather be in!  Mimi, John, Sally, Christos, Judy, and Bob you guys rock!! (Sally, these aren’t in any particular order!)

And finally, the three points of light that are seriously THE raddest kids in the world, my cousins: Eleni, Ben and Natty.  Eleni is the beautiful, delicate, sophisticated New York Flower who can still survive tough broken bones. She’s gonna be a great athlete and, of course, a very smart woman soon! Well, not THAT soon, but she is VERY lady-like!  Ben is the rugged, pensive, creative, action-packed space robot that lives in DC AND he speaks Spanish.  Natty is the loving barbie doll angelic brittney spears who also plays soccer in Galveston.  I keep their pics on my fridge.

Well, what else? Oh, I have my own apartment (woo hoo)!  It’s full of toys (like KID’S toys, nothing else…this is the internet so I KNOW there is at least one perv thinking I meant something else)!  I have a TV.  My stereo is the center piece of my life.  The floors are hard wood, and I dance all the time.  It’s ALWAYS a mess, but I do clean it (then mysterious elves mess it up).  Someone once told me that they act like they are surprised it is messy when they come over (like every other day) and I say “I’m sorry my apartment is so messy.”

My friends rock! I’d list all of them, but there’d be fighting that would seriously cause the next world war.  They know who they are.  They know I love them.  They know I’m difficult (Mr. Bowlofsnax, Skippence).  It’s hard being a superstar (Jacinda).  Seriously, hopefully they all understand <wink, wink, nudge, nudge> that I may not call, but I’m thinking about them.  I’m lazy.  Dialing the phone can be so hard(Pablo, Matt, Max,Paige, Marin)!  E-mail can sometimes be too much.(Adam, Angie, Dana, Ms. Jamie B).  Shouts out to the EMO crew (keepin it real for the year 2000!)  the whole 21st St crew, all my boys that have been down since day one, 626 soul, Hazy Daze, and anyone who has touched me with their presence.  And thank you Mr. Derrick Carter for spinnin the grooves that make it easier to keep smilin!

If you want to know anything else, just ask me!  I’m always full of stories about my life (as if you couldn’t tell!)

Fears and complexes can lead to problems like difficulties in relationships (with family, friends or partners); an inability to allow ourselves to achieve or feel success; and even manifest into some health problems.  Our quick-fix society thinks we can take a pill to solve everything, but medicine alone can’t cure the source of the suffering.  For that, I feel that psychoanalysis, meditation, etc., are the only real ways to grow into healthy human beings.

"Reconciliation" by Josefina de Vasconcellos at Coventary Cathedral

Part of the process, for me, is writing. Words are powerful: They change our perceptions and therefore also modify our thinking and habits.  By writing, we can get our thoughts out, manifest them into the world, and settle our minds.

Tonight I couldn’t sleep well.  Instead of the usual drift-into-sleep meditation I normally do in this situation, I ended up continuing deep-meditation exercises I’d been working on earlier in the day.  After I’d gotten into a certain state, I started writing out and acknowledging some of my fear-based actions.  Then I followed the threads of those fears backwards until I’d discovered their source.

One part of the breakthrough involved my relationship with my mother.  The message, below, was typed out in a text message on my cell phone.  It was spontaneous and somewhat subconscious, and the emotional release was so strong that I was crying while writing it.  Thanks to the new copy/paste feature on the iPhone, I’m able to share it with you guys as is.

Mom: I love u so much. I acknowledge that in the past your actions hurt me. I also acknowlede that u r human, and like the rest of us, aren’t perfect. With all my heart, I forgive you and allow you to be imperfect. I allow anything that happened in the past to happen. By so doing, I let go of any pain and suffering it has caused me. I do this to heal myself and allow you to heal. I love u so much, mom. Thank you for bringing me into this world. Love, chris.

I’m so thankful for this epiphany.  I hope it really does help us both heal. I KNOW it will help us both heal.

Will I be able to write the same sort of message to the person whose abuse has affected me the most?  He has blocked it from his memory.  Maybe doing the exercise without contacting him is sufficient to start my side of the healing process.  I know the Lord will help me find the answer.

Our perception of the world is based on our past experiences and the collective perceptions we share with society, our family and our friends. When we add more personal experiences to our lives, we can calibrate our perceptions against those we have learned from others.

When I play back the moments in my life that define the perceptions of the moment I’m in, it’s always like a movie: The action takes place in the present, even though I’m aware it is actually in the past. I am all the experiences leading to this moment, but the person from 5, 10 or 20 years ago is not the same.  I’ve changed.

In Austin, I’ve been constantly aware of the perceptions and experiences I had in college.  It’s been a process of rediscovery and reconciliation.  It offers the chance to look at my past ideas, compare them with my current ideas, and then decide which make sense.  It’s kinda like recalibration of my perceptions–rebuilding myself based on who I was then with the experiences I’ve had up to now.  It’s an interesting process that is difficult at times.  Do people who’ve lived in one place all their lives ever experience this?