skrapnel

So yesterday I made my New Year’s Resolutions. To help me with those, I’m posting my goals for 2010. They don’t all have to do with the resolutions. Some are personal. Some are professional. Some are shooting for the stars. Some are minimums. Take a look:

• Continue growing Republic of Austin:
  • Add staff and hone our focus to meet our reader community’s needs.
  • Continue finding new ways to connect with our reader community.
  • Throw 3 events that connect with three different segments of our reader community.
• Get better at webdesign, with a particular focus on WordPress and CSS.
  • Complete a course.
  • Build one site.
• Get better at Final Cut
  • Complete a course.
• Launch Molotov Mocktail, the next experiential site focused on Self Sufficient Living, by March 2010.
• Learn to identify more edible plants for urban foraging.
• Record two songs. They can be silly.
• Have a DJ residency by February 2009, at least once a month.
• Spend more time with the people I love. Increase communication via phone or email with those who don’t live in my same city.
• Meditate once or twice a day.
• Get back into the gym to build muscles, 3 times a week. Continue biking for fitness everyday.
• Cook at least 4 dinners a week.
• Make lunch 4 days a week.
• Yoga 3 times a week.
• Try to take 3 trips outside of Texas by the end of the year.
• Write 3 short stories by the end of the year.
• Get me or my business in one national publication.
• Learn how to make soap and cleaning products.

My heart is glowing today. I’m so grateful for what I have. I’m thankful to be alive.

It’s been a year since I was laid off. In that year, I’ve moved to a new city to launch a company. I don’t have much money. I don’t have a lot of material things. But I do have a great team and I’m surrounded by people I love. The future looks so bright.

One of the things about Berlin that I loved was the sense of camaraderie and community that everyone had. Everyone was a struggling something-or-other, and everyone was living their dream. In San Francisco, it kinda felt like everyone was looking out for themselves, like some race to the top. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my colleagues at SHIFT and met tons of amazing people–but on the whole, everyone was really too busy to pursue the things they loved.

Austin reminds me of a level-headed Berlin. In Berlin, the frenzy of the city could get a little crazy. Austin, on the other hand, always feels nice and even keeled–even at its craziest. Whether in tech, music, art or even marketing, this city is full of so many creative people who gather in very active and vibrant communities. You don’t feel alone, and that’s makes a huge difference.

Kinda rambling, but the point is: I’m in a city I love, surrounded by people I love, doing what I love.

SO, um, Geocities is closing tonight.  Here’s the bio I wrote for my Geocities site in Feb of 2000. Can you tell I was 1) young and 2) had ADD? It’s funny, I still sorta have the same writing style on the blogs. 10 years ago, I never thought I’d be writing daily!

Not sure if any of the links still work. Click at your own risk.

Bio

My name is Apollo Twelvethirteen….well, not really.  The internet is all about chosen identities, so I chose this one.

Apollo comes from the Sun God.  He’s awesome! He is the god of music, truth, and healing.  He is all about balance in one’s life and he has the body I want.  Plus, if you noticed on the opening page, I have a sun tattoo on my chest.  I got it when I was 18, and it was my first tattoo.  I have a moon with three stars on my torso, in order to balance out the sun.  That was tattered on me when I was 19.  I considered many different styles for it, but I ultimately modeled the design after the simple moon on the Conan O’Brien show. I love nature and there is something mysterious about the sun and the moon.  Night and day,  This may sound weird, but it’s something that I think describes me a little.  Last summer, I was at the library, and I stumbled on to this book about tattoos and piercings.  I quickly turned to a listing of common tattoos and their meanings.  It so happens that the sun represents masculinity and the moon represents feminity.  I always knew that, but hadn’t thought about it like.  I would say that I’m a balance of those aspects.  I have a sensitive side, but I’m still tough (or something).  Anyway: Both the sun and moon are simple outlines.  The stars are in color..the three being blue, green, and purple.  I like the simple aspet of the outlines.  My third, and final, (for now) tattoo is on my back, shoulder blade area.  It’s an equilateral triangle with the Eye of Osiris in the center.  It looks similar to the eye of the Illuminati, but it’s not.  Osiris is the Egyptian god of enlightenment.  Thus, when combined with the equilateral triangle, we have the following theory: a balance of mind, body and spirit equals enlightenment.  One of my good friends and I designed and got these tattoos when I was…20?  My friend, Skip, also has the eye of osiris, although it’s not stylized like ours are.  I don’t know if that balance causes enlightenment, but it does keep me healthy.  If you haven’t noticed, I love duality, and threes.  Like De La Soul says “3 is the magic number”.  Good things come in two’s and threes….(Skip, you know what I’m talkin ’bout, playa! )

Twelvethirteen is from my birthday.  I was born on December 13th, XXXX [REDACTED] in Dallas, Texas.  I went to school, played sports, partied, did my photgraphy and art, and graduated High School in 1995 in the top 5%.  I’m not a super dork.  I partied all throughout High School.  Now, when I say party, I don’t mean your average house party.  Well, it is a house party, house being the music played (also my favorite), but what is referred to commercially as a “rave”.  I started partying when I was 15, and I still party 8 years later.  The rave culture raised me.  Many people would like to toss it off as a place where people take illegal drugs and stuff, but it really is more than that.  Partying taught me about unity, respect, love and spirituality.  People of all walks of life getting together and just dancing it all off.  It’s not an open act of rebellion, like the hippie movement.  It’s just us doing our thing.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Our thing happens to be something that our culture has lacked for so long: the idea that music connects and heals.  House music is pure happiness.  Dancing is like meditation in motion.  Well, all the idealism aside, it’s also a great place to hangout with your friends, and it’s not as trashy as clubs.

I go to the University of Texas at Austin.  I’m a fifth year senior.  I major in Anthropology and Spanish.  I love both of them so much.  Yes, anthropologists dig up bones and talk about evolution, but I don’t do that aspect of anthropology.  I study evolution, in a way, but evolution of the mind and society.  In technical words: social or cultural anthropology.  I love social theory.  My big three theorists are: Michel Foucault, Pierre Bourdieu, and Raymond Williams.  Look them up at the library.  They can be really complex, but it’s stuff that you probably are already aware of, so hang in there!!  Look for a whole page devoted to Social theory, soon! (WOW!!)  The other love of my life is Spanish.  This language is so beautiful.  Well, I love language in general. Learning a new language is like opening a gateway to a whole new world! I have learned Japanese, Italian, and a little French.  My native language is English, but, living in Texas, Spanish is my second.  My daily babysitter spoke spanish all the time when I was a kid, and so did the other children.  I love Spanish! Mexico is such a place rich with culture! Imagine: thousand year old pyramids in the heart of one of the most urban cities in the world! Boggles the mind…well, at least in America!  My  number one writer is Gabriel Garcia Marquez.  One Hundred Years of Solitude is the best book ever.  I love Spanish American Literature (especially modern lit!).  I’m also getting into Spanish Literature.

I love music, reading, dancing, art…well, I love Life!  I love all my friends and family.  I do have my moments, of sadness, but they roll away. You can read about my likes on their own pages!! Yes, soon!!

After graduation: Well…not sure yet.  I do want to go to graduate school, but I NEEED a break.  Plus, I’m not really sure in what.  Anthropologists can really do a lot ranging from marketing to teaching.  I want to incorporate my Spanish into my job.  Art will always be in my life.  I also write.  I have won contests for my photgraphy.  Some stuff has even been published.  I do sketches, acrylics, collages, everything.  I write poetry and short stories.  I think I’m a good writer.  Since this is MY webpage, look for a showcase of my works, SOON!  I want to move to…hmmm…New York, Italy, or Spain.  Two of my good friends, as well as a wonderful cousin, aunt, and uncle all live in NYC.  I can’t wait…Bright lights, big city.  New york, new york, big city of dreams.  My grandparents moved OUT of NYC many years ago.  When I told them I wanted to move there, they asked”Why?” My reply was: “I want to go back to my roots!”  Honestly, I think New York is probably the center of the world.  I know that pretty nationalistic, but it’s what I feel.  My aunt would laugh and say “It’s really not all that”.  Well, she wouldn’t use THOSE words, but that would be my translation.

That brings me to my family.  I had a mom and dad…for a few months.  Then something happened, and my mom was alone with me.  She is a lawyer.  She then married my step-dad when I was..4ish.  She also had my little brother shortly there after.  It was hard growing up.  We didn’t like each other that much.  Now, however, he is my best-friend.  I love my brother more than anyone.  He is a lot like me, but with a twist.  He likes math.  Well, “like” is the wrong word. He LOVES math.  He probably knows almost everything about me, which I think is hard for anyone to say.  It scares me sometimes, since who wants someone to know EVERYTHING about you (Mikey, notice I said “almost”).  But it’s also awesome, since I know he’s always there for me, and I will be there for him.  He also sleeps A LOT. But he is a growing boy. 19 is pretty tough.  He goes to my school, the University of Texas @ Austin.  I know this is going to sound so Texan, but: It’s  the best and biggest school. SIZE DOES MATTER!! We have great academics and sports (Hook ‘em Horns!).

My Grandparents are 2 of the most important people in my life.  I love them so much.  They have given me guidance throughout my life.  They are truly wonderful people with beautiful souls.  My grandfather is a strong figure.  He has helped me understand control and respect.  He has given me all kinds of advice on jobs, money, sports, you name it!  My grandmother has helped me understand spirituality, beauty, love, and acceptance.  Plus, they are very beautiful and healthy, and I’m glad I’ve got great genes!! I hope I look that good when I’m older!!

My aunts (and all their husbands, my uncles) have been very supportive of me.  They all have their own personalities that have added so much to my life.  I love seeing them the 2 or 3 times a year we all get together.  They’re all witty and fun.  There is no other family I’d rather be in!  Mimi, John, Sally, Christos, Judy, and Bob you guys rock!! (Sally, these aren’t in any particular order!)

And finally, the three points of light that are seriously THE raddest kids in the world, my cousins: Eleni, Ben and Natty.  Eleni is the beautiful, delicate, sophisticated New York Flower who can still survive tough broken bones. She’s gonna be a great athlete and, of course, a very smart woman soon! Well, not THAT soon, but she is VERY lady-like!  Ben is the rugged, pensive, creative, action-packed space robot that lives in DC AND he speaks Spanish.  Natty is the loving barbie doll angelic brittney spears who also plays soccer in Galveston.  I keep their pics on my fridge.

Well, what else? Oh, I have my own apartment (woo hoo)!  It’s full of toys (like KID’S toys, nothing else…this is the internet so I KNOW there is at least one perv thinking I meant something else)!  I have a TV.  My stereo is the center piece of my life.  The floors are hard wood, and I dance all the time.  It’s ALWAYS a mess, but I do clean it (then mysterious elves mess it up).  Someone once told me that they act like they are surprised it is messy when they come over (like every other day) and I say “I’m sorry my apartment is so messy.”

My friends rock! I’d list all of them, but there’d be fighting that would seriously cause the next world war.  They know who they are.  They know I love them.  They know I’m difficult (Mr. Bowlofsnax, Skippence).  It’s hard being a superstar (Jacinda).  Seriously, hopefully they all understand <wink, wink, nudge, nudge> that I may not call, but I’m thinking about them.  I’m lazy.  Dialing the phone can be so hard(Pablo, Matt, Max,Paige, Marin)!  E-mail can sometimes be too much.(Adam, Angie, Dana, Ms. Jamie B).  Shouts out to the EMO crew (keepin it real for the year 2000!)  the whole 21st St crew, all my boys that have been down since day one, 626 soul, Hazy Daze, and anyone who has touched me with their presence.  And thank you Mr. Derrick Carter for spinnin the grooves that make it easier to keep smilin!

If you want to know anything else, just ask me!  I’m always full of stories about my life (as if you couldn’t tell!)

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been doing some Buddhist meditation exercises to penetrate deeper into my subconscious and discover the source of things interfering with my happiness, health and personal growth.  I’ll save a description of the process for another post, but it’s kind of like reverse engineering unhealthy thought patterns and self-destructive habits.   In this post, I just want to briefly touch on the healing process and also share tonight’s breakthrough.

Fears and complexes can lead to problems like difficulties in relationships (with family, friends or partners); an inability to allow ourselves to achieve or feel success; and even manifest into some health problems.  Our quick-fix society thinks we can take a pill to solve everything, but medicine alone can’t cure the source of the suffering.  For that, I feel that psychoanalysis, meditation, etc., are the only real ways to grow into healthy human beings.

"Reconciliation" by Josefina de Vasconcellos at Coventary Cathedral

Part of the process, for me, is writing. Words are powerful: They change our perceptions and therefore also modify our thinking and habits.  By writing, we can get our thoughts out, manifest them into the world, and settle our minds.

Tonight I couldn’t sleep well.  Instead of the usual drift-into-sleep meditation I normally do in this situation, I ended up continuing deep-meditation exercises I’d been working on earlier in the day.  After I’d gotten into a certain state, I started writing out and acknowledging some of my fear-based actions.  Then I followed the threads of those fears backwards until I’d discovered their source.

One part of the breakthrough involved my relationship with my mother.  The message, below, was typed out in a text message on my cell phone.  It was spontaneous and somewhat subconscious, and the emotional release was so strong that I was crying while writing it.  Thanks to the new copy/paste feature on the iPhone, I’m able to share it with you guys as is.

Mom: I love u so much. I acknowledge that in the past your actions hurt me. I also acknowlede that u r human, and like the rest of us, aren’t perfect. With all my heart, I forgive you and allow you to be imperfect. I allow anything that happened in the past to happen. By so doing, I let go of any pain and suffering it has caused me. I do this to heal myself and allow you to heal. I love u so much, mom. Thank you for bringing me into this world. Love, chris.

I’m so thankful for this epiphany.  I hope it really does help us both heal. I KNOW it will help us both heal.

Will I be able to write the same sort of message to the person whose abuse has affected me the most?  He has blocked it from his memory.  Maybe doing the exercise without contacting him is sufficient to start my side of the healing process.  I know the Lord will help me find the answer.

In the novel, I wanted to look at the problems that occur when one’s individual perceptions don’t sync up with those of the outside collective.  The next book is going to be a study of how our impressions of people are shaped by the opinions of the group.  In preparing for both books, I’ve been reading psychology and philosophy books that discuss individual and collective perceptions.  So far, the best has been a Buddhist psychology book by Thich Naht Hahn called “Understanding Our Mind”.

Our perception of the world is based on our past experiences and the collective perceptions we share with society, our family and our friends. When we add more personal experiences to our lives, we can calibrate our perceptions against those we have learned from others.

When I play back the moments in my life that define the perceptions of the moment I’m in, it’s always like a movie: The action takes place in the present, even though I’m aware it is actually in the past. I am all the experiences leading to this moment, but the person from 5, 10 or 20 years ago is not the same.  I’ve changed.

In Austin, I’ve been constantly aware of the perceptions and experiences I had in college.  It’s been a process of rediscovery and reconciliation.  It offers the chance to look at my past ideas, compare them with my current ideas, and then decide which make sense.  It’s kinda like recalibration of my perceptions–rebuilding myself based on who I was then with the experiences I’ve had up to now.  It’s an interesting process that is difficult at times.  Do people who’ve lived in one place all their lives ever experience this?

Sometimes when I sit down to write, I have a hard time concentrating.   I may check Facebook and Google News.  My mind may start wandering to the economy, new business, the dishes–anything to keep me from writing.  If I’m not writing, then I get depressed and, well, I can’t write anymore.

Over the last few years, I’ve started to realize that all these habits are actually effects of fear.  It’s kind of like a fight or flight mechanism.  My mind is so scared of what MIGHT happen–what if people don’t like what I write, what if I fail, etc–that it makes up these distractions to sort of ease the suffering that it thinks might happen.  In effect, what ends up happening is that I defeat myself.

I’ve also noticed that I feel like I’m missing out on something or giving up “Chris time” by FORCING myself to do some arduous task.  Whether it’s hanging out with my friends, going to the park, or just chilling, I feel like I’m rebelling against my own authority.

In both cases, what I have to remind myself is that writing and art make me happy.  I’ve purposefully changed my life so that I can spend more time working on these things in hopes that ultimately I’ll be able to support myself completely off my art.  With that in mind, I have the following three questions posted above my writing desk:

• What can I do right now to get closer to reaching my goals?
• What can I do right now to improve my state of mind?
• What can I do right now to improve my quality of life?

Not all of these have to do with writing.  Sometimes I’m legitimately distracted by things like paying bills, doing laundry or eating.  These questions force me into thinking about what’s bothering me by asking if I can do something in that moment to help me focus so that I can get back to work. It helps.

What do you do to fight procrastination?

It’s official: I’ll be moving to Austin at the end of this month.  Peep this image, courtesy of Google Streetview, of the new digs in Austin’s Travis Heights neighborhood.  I’ll be sharing the place with some old friends.

My new house in Austin