At first, you try to remember how you got there. Then you get up and call for help. No response. You scream and shout that you want out, but your voice bounces off the walls and echoes down the halls. You are completely alone.

Well, not entirely alone. At the end of the hallway is a guardsman standing in front of the door. His ever persistent gaze watches you, keeping you from acting out of line.

On his belt, you see the glint of a set of keys, the keys that will free you. You beg him to please let you out. You cry to him that you are innocent. The whole time, he’s silent, no words, just that steady gaze, reminding you that he’s in charge.

Day after day, you live in that cell. Food is delivered while you sleep. You never see anyone come or go. You pace around your cell. You feel helpless and alone.

You might try to escape–but there’s no way to get out. And with each failed attempt, your cell feels a little smaller. You start to hate the walls for keeping you trapped. You hate yourself for not being able to escape. But most of all, you hate the guard for not letting you out.

After a while, the hate turns to desperation. You are so sure that the guard is your only way out, you tell him you will do anything to release you. You make bold offers. But he continues to stare at you, no more or no less.

When the guard doesn’t succumb to your offers, you start to think that he wants you to behave a certain way. Maybe if he is convinced that you are a good person, he’ll release you. You change your behavior. You want to prove to him that you are worthy of freedom.

More time passes. You’ve started to accept your situation. It’s not so bad. The walls keep you safe. You’ve got food. And since you can’t remember what life was like before you entered the cell, you start to believe the guardsman is protecting you because you are special.

Yes! You are a king, and the cell isn’t a jail, it’s his majesty’s chambers. The guard is a royal guard. He can’t talk to you because he’s beneath you. That explains the lack of other people around you. That’s why food is delivered daily. Only a king would have servants and a guard!

But one day you have a dream. You’re in the middle of an endless field. The sun is shining. The sky is blue. In the distance is a beautiful mountain range. No limits. No walls.

When you wake up, you realize that despite all of your rationalizing delusions, you’re still trapped in jail. Remembering life before, you surge with anger. You attack the walls, punching and kicking as if your tiny blows could knock it all down. You run to the guard, screaming and shouting, you want to kill him so you can set yourself free. But the bars stop you. He just stands there, blank and unphased, holding the keys that could set you free.

Exhausted, you slink back into a dark corner. You feel completely hopeless, more trapped and alone than ever. You’ve tried everything, but nothing you do seems to lead to freedom.

What you don’t know is that this is an enchanted jail. The walls are just an illusion. The guard is just a mannequin. All the result of a spell you cast on yourself. You wanted it to protect you, but somehow it trapped you.

Once you understand this, the jail will vanish. The guard will lose his power. In their place, you’ll find a world of limitless freedom.

How is your life a prison?

[PHOTO CREDIT: Prison by : Dar. on flickr]

Jolts aren’t always bad things–and I’m learning a lot. But during this processing time, I need some guidance to help me do the things that are best to keep me at a day-to-day functional level. When times are tough, I turn to my personal instruction manual.

I wrote the first draft of my instruction manual in Berlin. Leaving the city I love to help my brother and deal with my own depression after I’d had everything stolen, I decided to make a list of accomplishments in Berlin, including things I’d learned about myself during while there.

The list ended up being 5 hand-written pages of insight. And instead of feeling like my time there had been full of failure, I felt like I’d actually accomplished something. I’d also discovered the basic needs to keep me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually happy.

A lot has changed in the 6 years since I drafted that list–but many of the elements still hold true. I’ll spare you the 5 pages and will instead share my most recent revision. Let’s call this the Reader’s Digest version of what makes me tick.

My Personal Instruction Manual

• Maintain a regular schedule.
• One hour before bed, switch off the computer and put on some calming music. This is my time.
• During that hour, straighten up the house: Put dirty clothes away, clean or rinse dirty dishes, etc.
• Drink a glass of water during that hour.
• After those tasks, start my series of yoga stretches, thinking about nothing but the movements, really reeling my body and become one with body and mind. Feel the spirit shine.
• Brush teeth, wash face, smile.
• Be thankful you survived another day.
• Once in bed, meditate on a glowing white light.
• Sleep 7 hours minimum.
• Wake up thankful: “Good morning, world. Thank you for letting me survive another night.”
• Eat breakfast, lunch and dinner (when hungry).
• Drink plenty of water throughout the day.
• Your best at morning exercise–but afternoon or evening exercise is good, too.
• Do intensive cardio like interval training or cycling when you are feeling anxious, stressed or panicky.
• Eat a good mix of food. My body is best suited for: more veggies; little to no sugar; no wheat; nice amount of healthy oils; relatively low carbs and an even amount of protein.
• Tell people thank you when it’s deserved.
• Tell people why what they are doing is good–and how it made you feel.
• Talk to good friends frequently.
• Spend time with people who make you feel good, accentuate your positive qualities and stimulate you.
• Disregard the negative people–laugh off their silliness.
• Always remember to ask: What can I do right now to improve my state of mind? What can I do right now to better my standard of living?
• Remember: Being alive is a beautiful gift.
• And don’t forget to say hello to the trees.

Yeah, so that’s my list. Some of the things are particular to my health issues (bad heart, celiac’s disease). Because I tend to slip into bad habits when I’m depressed, a lot of the items try to rewire those habits through behavioral reprogramming. Sometimes starting a few of these, it moves me in the right direction.

When was the last time you made a list of your accomplishments instead of looking at defeat?

When was the last time you listed your strengths instead of honing in on your weaknesses?

What do you do when times are tough?

Do you have a personal instruction manual?

I’m so full of restless energy. I’ve been stuck in my cocoon and I want to burst out of this shell–but I havent finished forming. And I can’t write because I have too much to say. I don’t know where to start.

Things are about to crystalize. In this moment, all I can do is absorb the energy of the universe. Absorb places, people, stories. Flashes of memories. Moments of inspiration.

It’s always hardest right before it comes. The transformation. So for now I have to be patient and let my conscious finish growing. Stay in the now. For tomorrow everything will come together and with a BANG the new ideas, my new self, the next chapter will emerge.

I’m ready to soar. Are you?

So many amazing people helped put the show together. So many people surprised me with their support. And a few people made my heart explode with thanks.

Sometimes things click, and you realize: These people care about me. They want me to win.

Those are the people that are keepers.

And I love them. With all my heart. Without them, I am nothing.

Thank you.

“For someone to give up an hour or two of their life to listen to the record I’ve made, they’re doing me a service. I think that the relationship between musician and audience at some point got turned on its head. Musicians started to feel as if the audience needed them. And the truth is I need an audience way more than the audience needs me.  It’s my job to keep the audience interested. Not my job to keep radio interested. Not my job to keep the media interested. But those individuals who are willing to listen to my music interested.” –Moby

Thanx and <3 to Christopher Wallace, aka Notorious B.I.G. Biggie’s “Juicy” has kept me moving up since I was little. That song always makes me cry. On the realz.

It was all a dream/ I used to read Word Up magazine/ Salt’n'Pepa and Heavy D up in the limousine/ Hangin’ pictures on my wall/Every Saturday Rap Attack, Mr. Magic, Marley Marl/ I let my tape rock ’til my tape popped/Smokin’ weed and bamboo, sippin’ on private stock/ Way back, when I had the red and black lumberjack/ With the hat to match/ Remember Rappin’ Duke, duh-ha, duh-ha/ You never thought that hip hop would take it this far/ Now I’m in the limelight ’cause I rhyme tight/ Time to get paid, blow up like the World Trade/ Born sinner, the opposite of a winner/ Remember when I used to eat sardines for dinner/ Peace to Ron G, Brucey B, Kid Capri Funkmaster Flex, Lovebug Starsky/ I’m blowin’ up like you thought I would/ Call the crib, same number same hood It’s all good
[Chorus]
You know very well who you are/ Don’t let em hold you down, reach for the stars/ You had a goal, but not that many/ cause you’re the only one I’ll give you good and plenty

(via AUSTIN KLEON : TUMBLELOG).

Fears and complexes can lead to problems like difficulties in relationships (with family, friends or partners); an inability to allow ourselves to achieve or feel success; and even manifest into some health problems.  Our quick-fix society thinks we can take a pill to solve everything, but medicine alone can’t cure the source of the suffering.  For that, I feel that psychoanalysis, meditation, etc., are the only real ways to grow into healthy human beings.

"Reconciliation" by Josefina de Vasconcellos at Coventary Cathedral

Part of the process, for me, is writing. Words are powerful: They change our perceptions and therefore also modify our thinking and habits.  By writing, we can get our thoughts out, manifest them into the world, and settle our minds.

Tonight I couldn’t sleep well.  Instead of the usual drift-into-sleep meditation I normally do in this situation, I ended up continuing deep-meditation exercises I’d been working on earlier in the day.  After I’d gotten into a certain state, I started writing out and acknowledging some of my fear-based actions.  Then I followed the threads of those fears backwards until I’d discovered their source.

One part of the breakthrough involved my relationship with my mother.  The message, below, was typed out in a text message on my cell phone.  It was spontaneous and somewhat subconscious, and the emotional release was so strong that I was crying while writing it.  Thanks to the new copy/paste feature on the iPhone, I’m able to share it with you guys as is.

Mom: I love u so much. I acknowledge that in the past your actions hurt me. I also acknowlede that u r human, and like the rest of us, aren’t perfect. With all my heart, I forgive you and allow you to be imperfect. I allow anything that happened in the past to happen. By so doing, I let go of any pain and suffering it has caused me. I do this to heal myself and allow you to heal. I love u so much, mom. Thank you for bringing me into this world. Love, chris.

I’m so thankful for this epiphany.  I hope it really does help us both heal. I KNOW it will help us both heal.

Will I be able to write the same sort of message to the person whose abuse has affected me the most?  He has blocked it from his memory.  Maybe doing the exercise without contacting him is sufficient to start my side of the healing process.  I know the Lord will help me find the answer.

When we first start reaching for our dreams, they can seem so far away.  But each step brings you closer and closer.  That’s how you do it: little step after little step until you jump over.

Listen to the song and follow the lyrics (they aren’t accurate, but they’ll give you a good idea).  Hopefully it moves you the same way it moved me.

You can find his full discography on Amazon here .

[UPDATE: I wrote a better description of my reaction here.]

Lyrics to “This is How We Walk on the Moon” by Arthur Russel

Arthur Russell with Cello

Each step is moving, it’s moving me up
moving, it’s moving me up
Every step is moving me up
moving me up, moving, moving me up
Every step is
moving me up
One tiny, tiny,
tiny move
It’s all I need
And I jump over
Every step is moving me up

This is how we walk on the moon

This is how we walk on the moon
Every step is moving me up
I’m so far away
One moment there
Moving me up
Every step is moving me up
One moment there
One tiny, tiny move
It’s all I need and I jump over

Knock,

And He’ll open the door.

Vanish,

And He’ll make you shine like the sun.

Fall,

And He’ll raise you to the heavens.

Become nothing,

And He’ll turn you into everything!

In this country, sometimes happiness feels like it’s defined by what you have: the car you drive, the house you live in, how much money you make, and the clothes you wear.  With my move to Austin, I gave up a lot of that to pursue a lifestyle and a career that brings me happiness instead of glory.  It was rough at first–it still is–but I feel like my potential for happiness and a different kind of success is endless.