skrapnel

I’m about to transform. I’ve been here before. I can feel it.

I’m so full of restless energy. I’ve been stuck in my cocoon and I want to burst out of this shell–but I havent finished forming. And I can’t write because I have too much to say. I don’t know where to start.

Things are about to crystalize. In this moment, all I can do is absorb the energy of the universe. Absorb places, people, stories. Flashes of memories. Moments of inspiration.

It’s always hardest right before it comes. The transformation. So for now I have to be patient and let my conscious finish growing. Stay in the now. For tomorrow everything will come together and with a BANG the new ideas, my new self, the next chapter will emerge.

I’m ready to soar. Are you?

Just got home from the Roaries, our first Austin music awards. It was awesome. The people who came really got it.

So many amazing people helped put the show together. So many people surprised me with their support. And a few people made my heart explode with thanks.

Sometimes things click, and you realize: These people care about me. They want me to win.

Those are the people that are keepers.

And I love them. With all my heart. Without them, I am nothing.

Thank you.

Saw this interview with Moby on CurrentTV. It really struck me as true for all media, not just musicians. It’s something I need to keep in mind as I  move forward creating content for people to enjoy. The quote is at about 21 minutes in, or you can just read my transcript of it

“For someone to give up an hour or two of their life to listen to the record I’ve made, they’re doing me a service. I think that the relationship between musician and audience at some point got turned on its head. Musicians started to feel as if the audience needed them. And the truth is I need an audience way more than the audience needs me.  It’s my job to keep the audience interested. Not my job to keep radio interested. Not my job to keep the media interested. But those individuals who are willing to listen to my music interested.” –Moby

Hip Hop gave me dreams. Grunge couldn’t. That’s why I was def more rap.  Dreams.

Thanx and <3 to Christopher Wallace, aka Notorious B.I.G. Biggie’s “Juicy” has kept me moving up since I was little. That song always makes me cry. On the realz.

It was all a dream/ I used to read Word Up magazine/ Salt’n'Pepa and Heavy D up in the limousine/ Hangin’ pictures on my wall/Every Saturday Rap Attack, Mr. Magic, Marley Marl/ I let my tape rock ’til my tape popped/Smokin’ weed and bamboo, sippin’ on private stock/ Way back, when I had the red and black lumberjack/ With the hat to match/ Remember Rappin’ Duke, duh-ha, duh-ha/ You never thought that hip hop would take it this far/ Now I’m in the limelight ’cause I rhyme tight/ Time to get paid, blow up like the World Trade/ Born sinner, the opposite of a winner/ Remember when I used to eat sardines for dinner/ Peace to Ron G, Brucey B, Kid Capri Funkmaster Flex, Lovebug Starsky/ I’m blowin’ up like you thought I would/ Call the crib, same number same hood It’s all good
[Chorus]
You know very well who you are/ Don’t let em hold you down, reach for the stars/ You had a goal, but not that many/ cause you’re the only one I’ll give you good and plenty

Found this scan over at Austin Kleon.  Many of the important people in my life are introverts and I’m an extra-extrovert (mostly). I need to remind myself of these things.

(via AUSTIN KLEON : TUMBLELOG).

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been doing some Buddhist meditation exercises to penetrate deeper into my subconscious and discover the source of things interfering with my happiness, health and personal growth.  I’ll save a description of the process for another post, but it’s kind of like reverse engineering unhealthy thought patterns and self-destructive habits.   In this post, I just want to briefly touch on the healing process and also share tonight’s breakthrough.

Fears and complexes can lead to problems like difficulties in relationships (with family, friends or partners); an inability to allow ourselves to achieve or feel success; and even manifest into some health problems.  Our quick-fix society thinks we can take a pill to solve everything, but medicine alone can’t cure the source of the suffering.  For that, I feel that psychoanalysis, meditation, etc., are the only real ways to grow into healthy human beings.

"Reconciliation" by Josefina de Vasconcellos at Coventary Cathedral

Part of the process, for me, is writing. Words are powerful: They change our perceptions and therefore also modify our thinking and habits.  By writing, we can get our thoughts out, manifest them into the world, and settle our minds.

Tonight I couldn’t sleep well.  Instead of the usual drift-into-sleep meditation I normally do in this situation, I ended up continuing deep-meditation exercises I’d been working on earlier in the day.  After I’d gotten into a certain state, I started writing out and acknowledging some of my fear-based actions.  Then I followed the threads of those fears backwards until I’d discovered their source.

One part of the breakthrough involved my relationship with my mother.  The message, below, was typed out in a text message on my cell phone.  It was spontaneous and somewhat subconscious, and the emotional release was so strong that I was crying while writing it.  Thanks to the new copy/paste feature on the iPhone, I’m able to share it with you guys as is.

Mom: I love u so much. I acknowledge that in the past your actions hurt me. I also acknowlede that u r human, and like the rest of us, aren’t perfect. With all my heart, I forgive you and allow you to be imperfect. I allow anything that happened in the past to happen. By so doing, I let go of any pain and suffering it has caused me. I do this to heal myself and allow you to heal. I love u so much, mom. Thank you for bringing me into this world. Love, chris.

I’m so thankful for this epiphany.  I hope it really does help us both heal. I KNOW it will help us both heal.

Will I be able to write the same sort of message to the person whose abuse has affected me the most?  He has blocked it from his memory.  Maybe doing the exercise without contacting him is sufficient to start my side of the healing process.  I know the Lord will help me find the answer.

Heard this song last night by Arthur Russell (wikipedia) and it completely moved me to tears.  The music, the lyrics and his voice are all so understated and delicate, while at the same time optimistically powerful.  By the end of the song, I was sobbing.

When we first start reaching for our dreams, they can seem so far away.  But each step brings you closer and closer.  That’s how you do it: little step after little step until you jump over.

Listen to the song and follow the lyrics (they aren’t accurate, but they’ll give you a good idea).  Hopefully it moves you the same way it moved me.

You can find his full discography on Amazon here .

[UPDATE: I wrote a better description of my reaction here.]

Lyrics to “This is How We Walk on the Moon” by Arthur Russel

Arthur Russell with Cello

Each step is moving, it’s moving me up
moving, it’s moving me up
Every step is moving me up
moving me up, moving, moving me up
Every step is
moving me up
One tiny, tiny,
tiny move
It’s all I need
And I jump over
Every step is moving me up

This is how we walk on the moon

This is how we walk on the moon
Every step is moving me up
I’m so far away
One moment there
Moving me up
Every step is moving me up
One moment there
One tiny, tiny move
It’s all I need and I jump over

Stumbled across this poem by the 13th Century Sufi poet Rumi and instantly fell in love:

Knock,

And He’ll open the door.

Vanish,

And He’ll make you shine like the sun.

Fall,

And He’ll raise you to the heavens.

Become nothing,

And He’ll turn you into everything!

In this country, sometimes happiness feels like it’s defined by what you have: the car you drive, the house you live in, how much money you make, and the clothes you wear.  With my move to Austin, I gave up a lot of that to pursue a lifestyle and a career that brings me happiness instead of glory.  It was rough at first–it still is–but I feel like my potential for happiness and a different kind of success is endless.

In the novel, I wanted to look at the problems that occur when one’s individual perceptions don’t sync up with those of the outside collective.  The next book is going to be a study of how our impressions of people are shaped by the opinions of the group.  In preparing for both books, I’ve been reading psychology and philosophy books that discuss individual and collective perceptions.  So far, the best has been a Buddhist psychology book by Thich Naht Hahn called “Understanding Our Mind”.

Our perception of the world is based on our past experiences and the collective perceptions we share with society, our family and our friends. When we add more personal experiences to our lives, we can calibrate our perceptions against those we have learned from others.

When I play back the moments in my life that define the perceptions of the moment I’m in, it’s always like a movie: The action takes place in the present, even though I’m aware it is actually in the past. I am all the experiences leading to this moment, but the person from 5, 10 or 20 years ago is not the same.  I’ve changed.

In Austin, I’ve been constantly aware of the perceptions and experiences I had in college.  It’s been a process of rediscovery and reconciliation.  It offers the chance to look at my past ideas, compare them with my current ideas, and then decide which make sense.  It’s kinda like recalibration of my perceptions–rebuilding myself based on who I was then with the experiences I’ve had up to now.  It’s an interesting process that is difficult at times.  Do people who’ve lived in one place all their lives ever experience this?

Moving to Austin hasn’t been as easy as I expected.  I thought the transition would be less bumpy when going back to a place where I had lots of friends from college.  I was wrong.

Talking to one of my good friends in SF really helped put things into perspective:

He’s right: Building friendships takes time.  Even getting reacquainted to old friends takes time.  If I’m worrying about things not “falling into place,” then I’m wasting energy that could be poured into other things, like the book, the new site or my own health.

Thanks, Jason!