skrapnel

Having problems sleeping.

This life is so precious. My heart could stop beating in my sleep tonight, and then it would all be over. That’s a lot to take in. I’m so happy with my life right now, that it’s scary.

Here are some of the questions running through my head:

• Have I told everyone I love that I loved them?
• Was I holding on to petty grievances that pushed me away from friends and family?
• Did I affect anyone’s life positively?
• Did I affect anyone’s life negatively?
• Did I waste my energy on material pursuits?

Then there are the less esoteric (and a lil silly) questions:

• Would my dream flicker out like turning off a TV, or would it guide me into the afterlife?
• Is there a warning, like an Outlook Alert, that tells me I have 5 minutes until I expire?
• Would they find me in my own pee and poo?
• Would my parents find my porn collection? Would it freak them out?
• Would the morticians see me naked?
• Would they put makeup on me for the funeral?
• Would people come?
• Would my social media friends know? What about all my friends overseas or in different cities?
• What would my final status update or Tweet be? Would someone tell those people?
• What would people say about me?
• Would people cry? (Thinking about my grandparents, parents, bros, cousins, aunts and uncles crying really breaks my heart. In fact, just thinking about them crying has me crying)
• How long would it take my body to decompose?
• Would worms and other creatures use my body as a buffet?
• Would the soil then help a tree grow? (I hope so!)

Life is so beautiful. We spend so much time worrying about money or our future, that it’s easy to lose track of how awesome things really are. We have to be in the moment. We also have to acknowledge the people in our lives who are special to us and share our time with them.  Likewise, when things are bad for us, we need to respect ourselves enough to make a change.

Yes, I’m pretty emotional right now. I don’t want to die. I’m so thankful for the opportunities I’ve been given and the people I’ve met throughout my lifetime. There are so many people in this world that I love. And if I die tonight, I wouldn’t get a chance to say good bye to any of them.

If I do die tonight: I love you all. You’ve been so good to me. Thank you so much.

(I’ll let you know in the morning!)