skrapnel

Having problems sleeping.

This life is so precious. My heart could stop beating in my sleep tonight, and then it would all be over. That’s a lot to take in. I’m so happy with my life right now, that it’s scary.

Here are some of the questions running through my head:

• Have I told everyone I love that I loved them?
• Was I holding on to petty grievances that pushed me away from friends and family?
• Did I affect anyone’s life positively?
• Did I affect anyone’s life negatively?
• Did I waste my energy on material pursuits?

Then there are the less esoteric (and a lil silly) questions:

• Would my dream flicker out like turning off a TV, or would it guide me into the afterlife?
• Is there a warning, like an Outlook Alert, that tells me I have 5 minutes until I expire?
• Would they find me in my own pee and poo?
• Would my parents find my porn collection? Would it freak them out?
• Would the morticians see me naked?
• Would they put makeup on me for the funeral?
• Would people come?
• Would my social media friends know? What about all my friends overseas or in different cities?
• What would my final status update or Tweet be? Would someone tell those people?
• What would people say about me?
• Would people cry? (Thinking about my grandparents, parents, bros, cousins, aunts and uncles crying really breaks my heart. In fact, just thinking about them crying has me crying)
• How long would it take my body to decompose?
• Would worms and other creatures use my body as a buffet?
• Would the soil then help a tree grow? (I hope so!)

Life is so beautiful. We spend so much time worrying about money or our future, that it’s easy to lose track of how awesome things really are. We have to be in the moment. We also have to acknowledge the people in our lives who are special to us and share our time with them.  Likewise, when things are bad for us, we need to respect ourselves enough to make a change.

Yes, I’m pretty emotional right now. I don’t want to die. I’m so thankful for the opportunities I’ve been given and the people I’ve met throughout my lifetime. There are so many people in this world that I love. And if I die tonight, I wouldn’t get a chance to say good bye to any of them.

If I do die tonight: I love you all. You’ve been so good to me. Thank you so much.

(I’ll let you know in the morning!)

This quote from Conan O’Brien’s last night really resonated for me:

And all I ask is one thing…and this is…I’m asking this particularly of young people that watch…please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism. For the record, it’s my least favorite quality. It doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen. I’m telling you. Amazing things will happen. I’m telling you. It’s just true.

–Conan O’Brien, 1.22.2010

(via Luxinaustin)

WARNING: This post has quite a lot of rambling.

Today I went to the HOPE Farmers Market on the East Side with my spiritual brother N, his girlfriend C and his daughter M. It’s was 68 degrees, sunny and clear, the perfect day to spend time with loved ones.  After we’d mulled around the market, C wanted to check out Nature’s Treasure, a gemstone-type store.  We were all game, so we crossed the street and entered the warehouse in which the store was housed.

Couple things to know before we continue with the story.

First off: When I was young, I LOVED stones and minerals. In fact, in college I almost switched to Geology because I loved stones so much.  There were a couple of stones I was really attracted to, mainly quartz, garnet, hematite and halite. When I worked at a craft store, I used to love to make necklaces from pieces of stones.  One that I wore all the time was made from hematite and garnet. The manager of the store, an older woman named Flo, would tell me to be careful with garnet because it can inflame passion and lust.

Second: After years of denying my spirituality, I’ve started meditation and chakra work again. What I’m discovering is that my upper chakras are open and healthy (although admittedly sometimes they might be too open), and my lower chakras are progressively more blocked.  The root chakra needs a lot of work.

For those not familiar with chakras, they are energy centers that run up and down the center of our body.  The first chakra, the root chakra, is closer to the earth and helps ground us. The crown chakra at the top of the head is closer to heaven and is connected to spirituality. Blocked chakras cause problems that can affect both physical and psychological health.

So we walk into the shop, and I was instantly attracted to an oblong, polished piece of garnet. I picked it up and said, “I have always been really attracted to garnet.”  The lady behind the counter said, “It helps clear problems with the root chakra.”

Since this is the major area of concern at the moment, I was kinda joyfully surprised.

“That’s funny. I’ve recently discovered I have a blockage there.”

She took me back to the garnet section and told me to find a type and piece that called to me. After picking up and looking at several stones, I picked up an unpolished, raw chunk, and my fingers kinda locked. Holding it in my hand, I felt a little dizzy and my face started to feel flush.

While this was happening, N, C and M were also exploring. They’d found a small room in the center of the full of lamps inside giant pieces of quartz and other white or pink stones. When I passed by the room, they called me in.

Stepping into the room, it was almost like I felt a burst of energy coming out the back of my head. My fingers were tingling.

“Do you feel that?” K said. I think I shook my head yes. I can’t really remember what she and N did next, but they mentioned something about being able to pass energy from one to the other. They mostly felt it in their hands.  After feeling this insane sensation for a few minutes, I headed back to the front counter.

When I told the lady about my face feeling flushed, she said it was the uninterrupted energy flowing through my body. I also mentioned the feeling of energy shooting from my head and hands inside the lamp room.  She said it was the intended response, then handed me a book and told me to go read more about garnet while sitting in that room.

SO garnet: It is for people who have lots of dreams, but have a hard time manifesting them. It helps entrepreneurs, artists and writers realize their ideas and understand how to make them real. Garnet also helps attract the ideas and people that we need.

The crazy thing about the lamp room is that the longer I sat in there, the more energized and peaceful I felt. There was so much energy that I started to see webs in my vision. The back of my head started to tingle. It was so bizzare.

Back at the counter to return the book, a different lady was there. She was doing some yoga stretches. I was ready to purchase my rocks.  I mentioned garnet stones, needing my root chakra unblocked and the flush feeling in my face.

She looked at me and said “You’re not ready to settle down yet. You have a few more years before that’s supposed to happen.  You have very healthy energy, and what ever problems you might be having won’t be that way for long. You’ll get what you want if you just keep working towards it.  You also sometimes forget about your body and being physical. You need to tie together your dreamy, spiritual world with the physical world.”

When I told her I thought I was ready to settle down, start a family, have kids, she said, “You’ve got a couple more years.”

Back in the lamp room with N, K and M. They were laughing and smiling. The formerly grouchy M was smiling and calm. They all commented on how red my face was. So interesting.

When we left the rock store, I felt amazing. Inside the store had some affect on my body that felt emotionally overwhleming–like all the vibrations had affected me. We all felt completely recharged and awake. It was so interesting. I really can’t explain why it happened.

So after all of that, I started thinking about our bodies and spirituality.  Although I’ve studied Buddhism since I was little, I’ve always had a fear of believing in crystals and stuff. I’ve always thought it was believe in false idols and might be against God. All of that changed today.

I guess what I realized was that we do have separate components. A human is made up of the physical body and the energy inside it.  In western medicine, we think we know the physical body and try to cure problems with medicine–but I don’t think all of our physical conditions are caused by physical ailments.

Thinking about energy: I’ve always felt energy in plants and animals–the spark of life, but I’ve always been a bit skeptical. What I experienced today was a very hyper-real awareness of the presence of energy when I entered. And I felt a hyper-real lack of that same energy when I left.  And I can’t deny that.

Continuing to think about energy and its affect on our body. If we are indeed made of energy, various vibrations of moving atoms or what not, then interaction between vibrations can affect us. Like, think about the way a glass full of water will ripple when near a deep bass speaker. It’s easy for me to think that the vibrations of the different rocks and minerals can also affect our energy bu changing vibrations or the rate at which our atoms move.  So interesting.

Taking it further: How do the things in our life affect us? We carry mobile phones, watch TV’s, and we’re surrounded by machines vibrating or emitting noise. Blaring radios. Do these numb our energy?

In Berlin I lived in a flat that only had a radio. The heat was from a coal oven. The shower was a pump circulating water. I would keep my food in a box on the windowsill, using the cold winter to refrigerate my perishables.  In addition to not having any electronic devices, the flat was full of plants. I always felt so calm and peaceful.

In my current living situation, there is always so much noise all the time. I don’t feel peaceful. I can’t wait to move. Six days until I have a space of my own. A space I can make into a peaceful, spiritual den.

But back to crystals and such. I know what I felt today inside that store. And I don’t think they are evil or witchcraft or anything. For me, I really think that God gave us all these tools and things, and as we’ve slowly moved away from the earth, we have forgotten how to use them.  They aren’t charms or idols, they are stones with vibrations that affect our own energy. I don’t know about wrapping a rock with a wish or anything, but having the rock near you affects your vibrations.  Interesting. Very interesting.

So, yeah, that was my day. It’s really hard to put the experience into something rational. I feel very clear, focused–but I can’t really find the words to describe it coherently.

Maybe some of you have had similar experiences or thoughts?

Saw this interview with Moby on CurrentTV. It really struck me as true for all media, not just musicians. It’s something I need to keep in mind as I  move forward creating content for people to enjoy. The quote is at about 21 minutes in, or you can just read my transcript of it

“For someone to give up an hour or two of their life to listen to the record I’ve made, they’re doing me a service. I think that the relationship between musician and audience at some point got turned on its head. Musicians started to feel as if the audience needed them. And the truth is I need an audience way more than the audience needs me.  It’s my job to keep the audience interested. Not my job to keep radio interested. Not my job to keep the media interested. But those individuals who are willing to listen to my music interested.” –Moby

So yesterday I made my New Year’s Resolutions. To help me with those, I’m posting my goals for 2010. They don’t all have to do with the resolutions. Some are personal. Some are professional. Some are shooting for the stars. Some are minimums. Take a look:

• Continue growing Republic of Austin:
  • Add staff and hone our focus to meet our reader community’s needs.
  • Continue finding new ways to connect with our reader community.
  • Throw 3 events that connect with three different segments of our reader community.
• Get better at webdesign, with a particular focus on WordPress and CSS.
  • Complete a course.
  • Build one site.
• Get better at Final Cut
  • Complete a course.
• Launch Molotov Mocktail, the next experiential site focused on Self Sufficient Living, by March 2010.
• Learn to identify more edible plants for urban foraging.
• Record two songs. They can be silly.
• Have a DJ residency by February 2009, at least once a month.
• Spend more time with the people I love. Increase communication via phone or email with those who don’t live in my same city.
• Meditate once or twice a day.
• Get back into the gym to build muscles, 3 times a week. Continue biking for fitness everyday.
• Cook at least 4 dinners a week.
• Make lunch 4 days a week.
• Yoga 3 times a week.
• Try to take 3 trips outside of Texas by the end of the year.
• Write 3 short stories by the end of the year.
• Get me or my business in one national publication.
• Learn how to make soap and cleaning products.

In 2010 I resolve to be more assertive in asking for what I want or need.

In 2010 I resolve to become more self sufficient, producing more of the goods I consume and using less. (from last year)

In 2010 I resolve to balance my work and personal life by creating a definite boundary.

In 2010 I resolve to focus on goals that get me closer to my dreams and pursue them courageously.

In 2010 I resolve to be more open about expressing my love to those who deserve it.

Plus two carry-overs from last year’s resolutions:

In 2010 I resolve to worry less about the things I can’t control.

In 2010 I resolve to devote more energy to projects that help society.